Filoli's Flaws Friday Feature

So, how did that meeting go?

Well...not quite what I was expecting or hoped for...I was struggling. I tried desperately to sit eagerly on the edge of my chair, listen intently, process information and then be able to eagerly ask questions...

As we go through the detail, and the stories, my body is sitting in the meeting and in my mind I am slowly backing out of the room. My friend is sitting next to me. Beaming in her experience and understanding - she is a bastion of hope and love, eager and willing to hear more about the kids and their challenges and needs...

You see there was this slim chance, a possibility, that there was a real opportunity (not a nameless, but a specific opportunity) for us...I can't really go into it because it is complicated, long and mostly confidential, but my point today is that it became pretty clear that it was no longer an opportunity for us with those children...and that was disappointing...

So suddenly I am sitting here listening to all of this information and I am swimming in this vacuous ocean of children's faces, birthmother's needs, court ordered grandparent visits, sibling groups of 4, 6 and 9 (uh, yikes), therapy sessions, and a laundry list of requirements.

I am told to "not give up" stay in the process and just see what happens...just keep going...have hope...

After the meeting, we go to a restaurant because my blood sugar has completely nosedived from the self-induced stress of the meeting...1 Pink Martini (October Breast Cancer Month - we have to do our part) and I am about to cry in the middle of the FREAKING place...I am about to cry, sitting in a busy restaurant with a stupid halibut wrap in front me perched on a ridiculously trendy eggplant booth...

I am upset because I feel like this opportunity is gone and I am mad at myself because I am not trusting enough, I am close minded and full of fear about the unknown...

I should be braver, stronger, believe in providence...

I go home, talk to Alpha, talk about it, he is of course okay with it - but because he seems to be okay with pretty much ANYTHING, the man is nauseatingly unflappable!

I take a bath - irritated that I don't have a new book to read...go to bed, wake up to Alpha's CNBC babble, lay there listening to the fall of Rome, the possible global depression, the worst day for the stock market, a possible crash...oh and it is so bad that they are dragging out Bush for yet another "confidence building" press conference...Argh!

All of this leads me to what I believe may be my fundamental flaw - I struggle with and do not fully embrace "hope." I am not a permanent citizen of Hope in any way...I know - funny for someone that is a pretty ardent supporter of this one or is that one...I get confused:So I am trying to be hopeful, have hope, live with hope...but the challenge is that despite "hope" being used as a noun it is still not exactly this

Hope is not a tangible thing I can grasp in my hand...(seriously, that is hideously huge)

I wish that I could just buy hope...just tap into it whenever I need it...

So, I resorted to ye ole dictionary today for some possible definition that could maybe provide a map to being more hopeful..

- noun

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to continue hope.


2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of a placement.


3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of your failure in the home study process.


4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The adoption agency was her last hope.


5. something that is hoped for: Providing a loving family is my constant hope.

- verb (used with object)

1. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.


2. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my dossier will be satisfactory.

- verb (used without object)

1. to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early referral.
   

Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in our condition.

—Synonyms 1. expectancy, longing. 8. See EXPECT.