Biggest Loser Confessions

Biggest Loser Finale Night!

From about 7pm on I was giddy with anticipation for some damn reason over the big reveals. (Probably because I had some fantasy that Shay was going to show up weighing in at about 125.)

The montage at the beginning where they were showing where all of the contestants started from started to get me all choked up. I have no idea why and it was at that point that my husband sighed and just went to the other room.

So I was starting to get frustrated a bit at the beginning because the contestants weren’t as “skinny” as previous seasons and then I b-slapped myself and remembered that they all started out at crazy high insane weights and then became more positive. (Although everyone truly did look great and no one painfully or obviously backslid so that is a marked improvement from other seasons.)

When Amanda and Liz came out – I was bummed AGAIN! They looked amazing – but I kept thinking “ladies! The boys are going to annihilate you!”

OMG! Amanda and the “America’s choice” speech – we should have made that a drinking game in advance. (Granted it would have to be a low calorie beer.)

Blah, blah, blah, contestants returning…crazy big numbers and then Skeletor (I mean Tracy) comes out – and she is STILL freaky freaky girl. At least her eyes seemed less popping out and buggy with her face that much skinnier.

And then cute little Daniel whose face is starting to emerge but clearly is still working his body…and where is that adorable girlfriend Rebecca, why didn’t she come to the finale…she looked so good on Jay Leno…and who is that blonde that keeps fondling Daniel’s neck every time the camera is on him…

WHAT?!? Rebecca is the blonde! So Rebecca went from poor little overweight girl, to losing weight girl, to I could be Mariska-Hagarity’s-little-sister girl, to Mariska-Hagarity’s-little-sister’s-evil-arm-pumping-and-excessively-fondling twin! Does this mean the Unholy Power of Pink Team continues? Pink Team started with Ali being about realistic transformations to healthy manageable weights. Now the power of Pink means a “touch o’ the crazy” and freakishly thin arms! (God help me, I want freakishly thin arms too…)

I thought “holy crap – Tracy with all of her game play and odd “I won’t tell you my weight” craziness is going to freaking take home the prize!” Just when I reconciled myself to the possibility of Skeletor taking the cash – that blonde girl started jumping up and down on the scale and kept affirming herself with how amazing she is…so I guess the mystery Pink contestant who is cheating on Rebecca with Daniel won the $100k.

The proposal – awwwwwww! (Like we didn’t think we were going to get a proposal tonight – we knew one of the “mystery couples” was going to end up on a knee – really NBC why so much foreshadowing.)

Shay is invited to the May finale – awwwwwww! Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you, NBC. Subway is giving her $1,000 per pound loss by the finale – WHAT the WHAT!?!? Perhaps this show is starting to back fire on inspiration because somewhere after this announcement I plodded into the kitchen for chips and salsa to graze on. This more than likely padded an extra pound on me that I will later have to lose free of charge without any sponsorship later.

Rudy comes out – okay he looks good. He starts talking about his 70 hour work week I drift off and remember that he always kind of bugged me during the season (why? Why pick on Shay? Oh wait – now she is going to get $1,000 per pound – okay, Rudy, you just kind of bug me…and how in the world does he have that 100 lb smoking hot wife?) . Whatever? Rudy gets on the scale. I might add the Most Annoying Scale of all Seasons – what was up with that beeping scale sound they used last night? It was PAINFUL. The dogs and I were quite annoyed. So Rudy lost 234 pounds! FREAKING 234 pounds!!!!! This is more than my husband. I was all excited and then he went into one of his annoying monologues and I quickly crossed myself and hoped for Danny!

Because DANNY – OMG, DANNY! When he came out with his new self! My jaw dropped – it was the Biggest Loser moment of the night that I had been waiting on! My Biggest Loser dreams came true – from the flesh encased abyss emerged the return of the Nice-Guy-High-School-Rock-Star! Really! He looked amazing! It was at this point that I started hoping that NBC would come to its senses finally can the damn Leno show and just let Danny come out and talk to us with his dreamy blue eyes…his eyes whispered “put down the chips and salsa, you don’t need it” and I obediently followed the master’s command.

Danny takes it by one freaking pound and once again I feel comforted that there is some order in the universe that happy endings really do exist and maybe it is possible for a crowded room to break out into a spontaneous song and dance number.

Morning After Biggest Loser Finale

I jump on the scale all inspired-like, imagine that ear-splitting beeping, look at the number and say “F%&! – I really need to hit the gym.” But first, I will order one of those delicious Christmas 9,000 calories Egg Nog Lattes on my way to work…mmmmmm, good latte, good…

Hokusai Says

Geez! I keep doing this but I just wanted to share this with you.

A dear friend sent this to me yesterday and I just wanted to share it with you as well.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you…


Look, Feel, let life take you
By the hand.
Let life live through you.

- Ken Keyes

To Air

I was thinking about talking about something a bit different today.

With it being World AIDS Day and all...

But instead...I found this quite by accident and I just had to share!





Project Air




For me and in hopes of just a little bit of sanity today, I say:


To Forrest: I still laugh at your jokes even today. Honestly, I was sitting at a light the other day crying from some wise ass crack you made ages ago. How is that for longevity?

To Larry: No, I still don't dress well...and no - no - not a bit do I miss you bitching at me about this. But for the love of all things holy there is not a special event that I don't think "help, Lar, help!" (You know women are just no good at this dressing up thing [rolling eyes].)

To B: [sigh] You would not believe there is a World AIDS Day and how different and same the world is today and oh, how I miss talking to you...and yes, I am still very much all about a good rant. Awareness is frankly a trend now (seriously!) AND Rick Warren was on Meet the Press Sunday talking about caring for AIDS patients and the role of the church in combating this disease! F' me - right?



To Chay: Every day I wonder if my life is something you would be proud of. Every single day. There has not been a day that you have not sailed across my mind and my consciousness. I can't go through a laundry list of things I miss because something would invariably be missed and then I would feel like an ass. I desperately wish I could talk to you - about, you know, everything. (For instance, Mom and Dad just spent a week in Cabo for Thanksgiving with unlimited access to a number of liquid spirits. Dad sent me an email listing drinks he had sampled and wanted recommendations for other things he should try. I know! I KNOW! How the fuck are you not here for this?!?) Mostly, I just selfishly wish you would hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay and point my shoulders in the right direction...or at least give me a good shake. Also, I wish you were here so I could whisper in your ear "I hate these bullshit awareness days - how fucking useless" and you would laugh and poke fun of my red sweater and red ribbon accouterments. But right now I am going to head over and pick up Mom in about 20 minutes for lunch. I really miss you and a lot of the times I am still really pissed. I try to honor you with my life. I really do. I really pray that somehow your light shines through me so others can see you too. Crap. You were always better and kinder and more sensitive and gentle and loving then me...even when you were running away (jerk!). This life, Chay, is so odd and the vibrations of you on who I am are profound. I still fight for you. But mostly, I still need you! ("Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.")




To the Holy Mysteries of the Universe that is unknown and unfathomable, please channel this energy and focus of today in some positive (pun not intended) and transformative way - blaze a path out of this madness and please transform this misery to something beautiful and profound (I really don't even care if Bono is the guy spearheading this anymore or if it means those twits at the Gap continue to sell fucking red t-shirts and there is a fucking marketing angle to awareness) because I just want things different and I want my dreams and the world to be free from this pain.


"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

- Alice in Wonderland

Thanksgivingasana

Right now.

Right now - at this very moment

(Thanks to internets and technology and the ability to schedule posts.)

I am face down starting a vinyasa practice that will be followed with an Earth Peace meditation.

More than anything, I just wanted to let you know that you are with me today.

All day.

If you have the time, enjoy.



With every step you take today,

think

"Peace is Every Step"

every time your foot hits the ground silently breathe,

"Thank You."

This is my Thanksgiving for you.

My thanks for you today.

It is funny to me how this holiday has a unique way of boiling you down to a moment-by-moment existence. Maybe it is the visiting family, or the cooking, or the laughing and sharing - but is a unique opportunity of celebration to have a day that in each moment we are celebrating all moments (past, present and future).


I love Thanksgivingasana.


"Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle."

- Thich Nhat Hanh

Namaste.

Not So Shocking

Well.

In case you have been living in a hole this week, a report was issued Monday that included a preliminary recommendation against "against routine screening mammography in women aged 40 to 49 years. The decision to start regular, biennial screening mammography before the age of 50 years should be an individual one and take into account patient context, including the patient's values regarding specific benefits and harms."

and not shockingly this is now happening.

Despite the fact that co-author of the study has stated that she feels the findings have been "misinterpreted."

Perhaps the only thing "shocking" is that it took 4 days for this report to become anti-reform fodder.

Also, can we now all slowly swing our heads side-to-side in sadness that they would issue this report the month following the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (that would be October for those of you again living in said hole - or were blissfully unaware of the fact that pink was being shoved in your sight more than usual for 31 days) and during an intense and prolonged debate over health care delivery models in the United States?

Now we have numbers as well. Lots of numbers. Numbers about cost of reform, rising premiums, uninsured, underinsured, unemployed, percentage of increases to taxes, mortality, public health indexes...numbers.

But - I ask you - who said this?


"While Americans today enjoy the finest health care and medical technology in our history, the cost of that care is constantly increasing. Our present system of health care insurance does not meet the costs of providing adequate care. It must be improved. Twenty-five million Americans have no health care insurance at all, and millions of others have inadequate protection.

Preventive services, mental health care, outpatient services, and medication are often excluded from coverage. Many other essential services are not adequately covered.

And finally, to further burden our already inadequate health insurance system, wage-price controls have expired, and there is no brake on further increases in health costs. The failure of the Congress to adopt my legislative request to continue authority for mandatory cost controls for the health industry has left the country unprotected against the very real possibility of an unbridled increase in those costs.

We must have legislation to insure that every American has financial access to high quality health care."

Do you remember this debate? This discussion...

Here is another hint.

This President was attempting to reconcile legislation that would provide for universal coverage, enable voluntary employer participation and would have established a separate program for working poor and unemployed.

Do you know who it was now?

Here. Last hint.

"Nineteen seventy-four can and should be the year in which we move decisively to protect every American against the rising and often prohibitive costs of health care.

Nineteen seventy-four can and should be the year in which we create new incentives to make the health care system of the United States even better and more efficient than it is.

And 1974 can and should be the year in which firm, fair steps are taken to hold down the rate of inflation that has continually driven the cost of medical care higher and higher during the past 20 years."

Now you know! Right?





It was Nixon of course!


Before you go running open-armed into the current GOP legislative proposal for health care reform, I would like to point out that 15 days ago they just received a startling reality check from the CBO. In other words, "the only thing worse than releasing no health-reform plan, is releasing a bad one."





I close with a quote that quite possible best describes the importance of this discussion right now. A sentiment that I am starting to better understand more and more every day.


"Neither course of action, or inaction, is acceptable. What we must have is a creative relationship between government and our private health care system which provides the best possible care for all at a price that all can afford."

- Nixon

Shocking;

or is it really

Not So Shocking.

Get involved.

Contact your representatives.

Be the Change.

(See my liberal sensitivities couldn't close with a Nixon quote - my apologies.)

Be Change

Be Change


"Be the change you want to see in the world."

- Gandhi

Chakra'ly Incorrect

Well.

Well, well...well.

I don't know if this is a woman thing, or a crazy person thing or a me thing...but apparently I have inexplicably "lost it" again.

(Whatever the hell "it" is.)

I am hoping that maybe - just maybe - if I kind of outline it all right here then I will feel slightly less mad and start trending towards general feelings of peace and happiness towards myself again.

Work has been insane, bizarre, stressful, trying, infuriating, disgusting, challenging, and stressful...did I mention stressful?

Last Tuesday all of the crap of work somehow materialized into this intense and piercing pain in my left neck and shoulder. I tried to calm down and work it out...and then Wednesday morning my left side felt fine - but the pain shifted to my right side with a vengeance. Wednesday and Thursday were miserable with pain. Friday it was still bothering me...

Friday I had a work meeting thing that ended up with actually learning about 2 other job opportunities that are going to be posted in about 7 or 8 months and they wanted to know my interest. I found this interesting - and unexpected. Since I wasn't looking at this as a possible job for the future kind of meeting, I think I was a little off balance and silly with my responses. Plus, one of the positions would be doing something that I swore I would never do (plus it would be highly political and stressful - very stressful - very powerful people would be pissed off with me on a fairly regular basis) and the other is in an area that I always found fascinating but wonder if I would be the best candidate (it seems like there are others with way more technical training that would be a better fit than me - and like an idiot I actually communicated this...something like "I would love that, but my learning curve would be pretty steep...").

However, this could be very cool. This would mean moving closer to the coast. Closer to the area that I keep wanting to live...I think. I don't know. It was all just very unexpected.

Plus, it was one of those meetings where people seem to find you "impressive" which always unnerves me afterwards because I feel fundamentally unimpressive at my core so I feel odd when I leave those kind of moments. Again - off balance...just off balance...

By Friday night I wasn't able to sleep...the pain in my shoulder and neck was throbbing and I was very confused about life and opportunities or lack of opportunities and new choices and [sigh] life.

Saturday morning - woke up, out of town, and the studio where I wanted to go for yoga this weekend was closed for teacher training. Boo. As a result, I ended up at the local community center for yoga. God love the local community center yoga classes - they are always such a mixed bag!

This Saturday the instructor decided to lead a flow focusing on relieving stress and tension in the upper back and shoulders. Thank you, Universe! I say, "namaste" to the fabric of time and space for that little intervention.

The closing meditation was amazing. She borrowed a visualisation from An Imaginary Life that still when I think back to those moments touch me profoundly.

I felt better.

Then as the day goes forward my neck and shoulder just start to freeze up again. Bad.

By 7 that evening, I made an emergency appointment at the spa down the street with the massage therapist because the pain is just too much.

The good news: the tension and pain in my shoulder and neck was relieved.

The bad news: I had this horrible overwhelming awareness that my fundamental issue is this deep aching pain of a sense that I/my body/my mind betrayed me - and I am real pissed off about that - real pissy indeed!

Somewhere during the night while I slept the initial emotional high of "yeah! my neck is not killing me" became replaced with deep dark anger...and I am guessing that because turning really ugly anger on yourself triggers some type of emotional stop-gap measure that results in said anger going outwards instead of inwards.

So Sunday - I was bitchy. But trying or maybe "trying" (depending on who you ask) to not be anger towards the very people I hold the closest to me, but it was just fucking sitting there...and I was snap, snap, snappy, cranky girl.

Awesome.

I would try to pull out of it...then nose dive right back into it.

Ultimately, alienating my husband who was tired of me being mean...which just made the whole angry doom spiral even worse because then I felt isolated and alone and alone and alone and alone in more and more anger.

I wish I could say that I slept off the anger. But - nope. Woke up with it.

Still pissed off and broken hearted.

This just sucks.

I should not be upset. I should be happy. I should be positive. I should be motivated.

Yet, I feel like the fattest man in the entire world has sat on my chest, deflated all possible air out of my lungs and rudely farted in my face.

See - how dramatic.

This sucks.

Because it is truly nothing - and it feels like everything...

and I am trying to figure out how to be a better person at a time when all I really want to do is dive into a deep cave and never speak to another living soul again...

because that would be substantially less embarrassing than being me.

See - unimpressive.

So this is life...or at least my life.

I drag my ass into a shower and come into work to deal with the trials and tribulations of the work day.

I skate on the surface of every moment and interaction just thinking "oh god, I just want to go back to freaking bed!"

See - unimpressive.

I know that you are not supposed to talk about these things. That it is alienating to be the nut job blogger and I should be more careful about it...

but, fuck, fuck, fuck.

So, in my desperation I plan on doing the only thing that might possibly pull me the hell out of this...although I must confess I am feeling quite fundamentally broken right now. (Could I be more annoying? - for the love!)

N.V. Raghuram says,

"Everyone comes to yoga because of some kind of suffering."

So I will take my self-inflicted suffering self to yoga in about 30 minutes - I will be face down on a mat and alone with myself again...fuck...[sigh].

When I went in for my massage, the guy asked me what I thought was the problem, and I looked at him all stiff-necked and glassy-eyed and whispered,

"you might think I am crazy or silly, but I think it is my heart chakra..."

Little did I know that this guy was also a Reiki practitioner.

So he did a combination of Reiki and massage to fix my shoulder...and now my stomach is all a flip-flop.

All a flip-flop.

Damn you, belly!



Off I go to the Monday evening beginner yoga class tonight

and I need to change.

(Literally and Metaphorically)



Maybe this will be the path out of this today...

but what if this just continues because there is something here that I am not dealing with appropriately and I never figure it out and I am just a queen bitch on Sundays because I am stressed and pissy; and I never resolve this inner anger thing and end up hurting all the people I want to lift up!

What if I just always end up being this asshole who is simply aware of being an asshole!

That is not much of an enlightenment.


Okay, so off I go to the yoga class...

and in my mind I am thinking about Reiki teachings and wondering if the world is big and expansive enough to fix all this and fix me:


The secret method of inviting good fortune.
The marvelous medicine for all sickness

Just for today:
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others and to yourself.

Every morning and every night, sit in the Gassho position [hands held palm-to-palm] and speak these words out loud in your heart.

For the evolution of body and soul, Usui Reiki Ryoho"

— Mikao Usui


[long deep sigh - again]

Ahem - BL Fans - Shay Update

Let The Drummer Kick

Relations

(Apollo had to break 'em)

Creation

(It's a gift, a blessing)

Incarceration

(What keeps you down)

Determination

(What gets you out)

Equation

(When they said you could make it)

Humiliation

(What you feel when they say it)

Reincarnation

(Say N-A-V)

Situation

(Why we've got to sing)

Elation

(So many in need)

Identification

(Gives you the right to shoot)

Retaliation

(What would it do)

Education

(Gives you the right to do)

Inspiration

(What pulls you through)

No substitution

(No substitute)

Non-inclusion

(Just got to bust through)

Drug infusion

(For the chosen few)

Mass confusion

(When they say that they died for you)

Delusion

(Say that the dreams don't come true)

Solution

(It can take a hold of you)

Conclusion

Inspiration

(Is what pulls you through)

For Young Journeys

Somewhere between here and here,

this song flew by me,

and I acknowledged it much like

one appreciates a sunset while quickly driving home from work.

You know - those fleeting moments of appreciation of majesty

but without any real "a-ha" or depth or change,

more just, "oh so pretty - yes, nature, world, big, awesome..."

and then my thoughts speed quickly through the Universe's red light

to notice something

and I bounce house bounce along with the random fluctuations of my mind

to think about dinner, tv, work, stress, money, time...

crap.


Then September,

why, September, it just quite simply

bitch-slapped me!


I thought this has been a

[lip pout, indulgent arms crossed]

hard year.


Oy vey, Filoli!


Then September...which actually requires a flashback to April.

(stay with me)


April was a hard month with Eva's surgery and the adoption issues

and I was not to pleased to go to a friend's baby shower.

The baby shower that was exactly a year from her previous baby shower for her twins.

Yes, you read that right - twins and now another surprise baby.

I wasn't bitter - but disengaged, reluctant, sullen, emotional,

let's just some it all up as shitty.

(okay, maybe bitter)


Back to September -

where I am walking across a green lawn,

sprinkled with headstones,

every step moving closer to a black tent,

arcing over the tiniest blue casket,

with baby blue balloons gently rocking in the wind.



In this moment,

In this time,

I fell to my knees and promised

I will never again be an asshole about attending another baby shower.

I will never miss this mystery, this grace, this blessing

of community and hope - again.

I never want to be this knotted-soul again.


And I heard Joan singing,

"

Compassion is the fire
That burns the hurt
That pains the soul
And though my eyes are so polluted
By the sight of lost desires
I can see you standing by.

"


Then Alpha...and the CT Scan...

and this song became less of a meditation

and more of a battle cry.




Then now,

(yesterday, today and tomorrow)

known today, right now

and this song is a rhythm

that reflects all moments -

big and small.


Sometimes the tragedy is small and silly,

sometimes it is vast and encompassing.

But in all times,


it is

"good to have you in these times."


So, now sometimes when I practice yoga, I practice with music.

And this song is usually - almost always - my 2nd to last song.

And last night and today and tomorrow,

I will sing it for you,

for us,

for all of us,

because it is us.

(in my humble opinion)



So, ahem,

[throat clearing],

I serenade you,

and hopefully others will join in as well...

(because it is for them too)






These are the times
Tears fill the back of your eyes
These are the times
The birds migrate
Across the skies

These are the times
What hope you had you forget
These wicked times
You're bound to feel
All sanity is lost

In these times everyone needs love
In these times do you pray to God

In these times everyone needs comfort
And would welcome a hand to hold
Compassion is the fire
That burns the hurt
That pains the soul

And though my eyes are so polluted
By the sight of lost desires
I can see you standing by

This is my fear
That distance will come between us
And it could mean nothing
Nothing
To get from here to there

We own the world
And everything that's in it
Let our love shine
Like glistening raindrops
Resting on a rose

In these times celebrate our love
In these times let's be thankful of
All the days we can spend together
And I'm happy to hold your hand
Your passion is the food
That feeds the hunger in my heart

And now my eyes are clearly open
No more longing for the past

Now I have you in these times

In these times everyone needs love
In these times do you pray to God

In these times everyone needs comfort
And would welcome a hand to hold
Your passion is the fire
That burns the hurt
That pains the soul

And though my eyes are so polluted
By the sight of lost desires
Good to have you in these times

All The Above

Question Number One

Life is _________________.

a) Blessed
b) Challenging
c) Overwhelming
d) Frustrating
e) Frightening
f) Fulfilling

or

All The Above




So much and nothing really at all has happened...

It is possible that everything could change this weekend...

or nothing at all could occur.

If I weren't so painfully busy right now, I would tell you so much more.

Right now, all I have is this little Zen koen

(is that right?, you know saying):

Butterfly takes off
to cross the Lake
I come back to myself.


Aw yes...a little Zen, a little hip hop...
how can all not be well in the world in this very moment.

The Good News

So...we were able to get into to see the specialist this Monday. This was very good news because we were told that we were not going to be able to get in for a consult until the 30th so any day before that was going to make me quite happy.

We hung out with Alpha's mom all weekend and then we told her the news on Sunday night.

This was an emotional conversation - but incredible.

Late Monday we met with the physician. He gave us our options: biopsy, interval CT, removal of the nodule...

We asked what he would recommend...to which he replied that "given how small the nodule is that going a noninvasive route would be reasonable..."

We asked, "small, is 8 cm a small nodule?"

He said, "what 8 cm nodule?"


You see - it turns out that the radiologist that read the Chest CT Scan...

You know the one that we went out of our way to see to make sure that we were able to get the best possible interpretation...

Incorrectly dictated and failed to appropriately verify his radiology report!

So when he said that the nodule was 8 cm - he was wrong!

It was 1.7 cm - this is a considerable difference!

No not kidding!

Granted we still have a 1.7 cm nodule that we need to deal with...but 1.7 cm is NOT 8 cm.

Yes, we still have a noncalcified pulmonary nodule that we need to figure out what it is...and yes, we are still not testing positive for an infection as a possible cause, BUT at least we are about 6 cm smaller than we were originally told.

So...we wait...

we now wait 6 months for another Chest CT Scan...

to see if it is bigger...

or calcified...

we wait...

and for the girl that couldn't stand to wait till the 30th,

I am fully able and willing to embrace this long asana wait,

Alpha may be slightly miserable during this time,

but we will do it,

we will wait,

so, yes we still have some remote 10% chance that it could be cancer,

but for now,

for today,

this feels like a sunrise,

a lifeline,

a blessing,

a possibility,

a chance...

ours.


In the meantime,

namaste.

She Is Just Not Sleepy

So, I can't sleep right now.

(for a number of reasons)

Realistically, Number 1 would be "Because I have been drinking."

Numbers 2-infinity will be discussed later.

Number 1 - "Because I have been drinking."

Thus the late night/early morning partnership of filoli and laptop.

Tonight, or last night, we had a couple of social events we needed to attend. The first was a fundraiser that we go to every year and my parents are quite active in this organization - so attendance is mandatory. The second was originally a social event for just me (a bachelorette party for a dear friend, who also has been Alpha's friend since they were 3, or born, or something). Since I ended up drinking more than I had anticipated at the first event, Alpha was saddled with the responsibility of driving Miss. Tipsy to and from the bachelorette party.

On my experience spectrum for tonight I have "stealing wine from other table at dinner since they are all fundamentalists and wouldn't drink it anyway," "determinedly circling silent auction table in awe that unnamed bidder 247 is jacking me on the only damn thing I am interested in," "blissful private stolen moments and jokes with my husband at the table," "a gaggle of girls giggling over confectionery penises (peni?)," "disconnected perching on stranger's couch watching dear friend open lingerie present after present and feeling simultaneously like an ass for forgetting to buy something and justified because why the hell are they giving presents at a bachelorette party-where is that jello shot tray again...," and "long deep exhale and divine happiness to see Alpha at the door to pick me up and take me home."

In case you were wondering, the CT Scan did not go so well.

I had a list, a list of words that I was going to be more or less comfortable with if seen on a radiology report, a list of words that I would be relieved by, a list of words that might force me to be a bit more proactive even if others felt I was excessive or overly concerned.

On Thursday, when we received the CT report I was shocked to see the worst possible combination of words:

Noncalcified Pulmonary Nodule

other

smaller noncalcified pulmonary nodules

as well.


What I did not put on my aforementioned list of words that I would be cool with was numbers.

Hello, McFly, anybody in there?!

See, the chest xray identified an pulmonary nodule of .4 x 1.6 cm.

No.Big.Deal.

Quite small actually - all good.

But

but the CT Scan found,

the CT Scan

found

a multilobular nodule measuring

roughly

2 x 8 cm.


8 fucking cm!


So what do you?



What is the best patient advocate response to all this?

You get your husband to a thoracic surgical oncologist specialist as fast as you can.


I had this a-ha/oh shit moment this afternoon and then again a few minutes ago that woke me up that part of my trouble with researching this issue is that I keep researching "small noncalcified pulmonary nodule" and chances of malignancy when if fact, perhaps what I am dealing with might be some size range clinically known as greater than "small."


Today is now tomorrow - meaning Sunday - which means that I am one day closer to Monday or Tuesday which is the day(s) that we were told they would call us to schedule our consult which we were told typically occurs withing 24 - 48 hours following review of CT Scans and other materials.

[I said "really, for Eva Luna's breast cancer we had to fight to get an appointment within 6 weeks." Alpha laughs and replies "yeah, the advantage of lung cancer is that with the high turnover it is easier to get right in."]

We could be meeting with the doc as early as Wednesday - or it could be Friday - I don't know...we wait - that is the general theme of "now" - wait.

We still are not telling anyone - just a few people - oh and me with the internet ("hello, internets")...Alpha doesn't want to stress out his mother and some others in our lives right now because he thinks that they will freak out, get depressed, and could be hurt and turned inside out if by the end of all this we get a confirmed noncancer diagnosis...

I sometimes agree and sometimes disagree,

but honestly my disagreement is largely due to the fact that by not telling people,

"hey I am freaking the fuck out on the inside right now because my husband is telling me how great his life has been"

I feel as though a gravity mountain of raw nerves has been dumped on my head and I am stumbling around trying desperately to walk with this almost unbearable heaviness...

or something like that.

I need to go to bed.

This is a shit post because this is a shit topic and this is a shit moment in life

and

it is some of the best moments of life too.



You know what I mean.


I have had so many moments and experiences in the last few days that I want to get down because everything feels like water running through my hands right now...but I am thinking

that right now

I am just going to go back to bed

and see if I can actually talk about this and that and this and that other thing with you later.

[sigh]

Because right now I feel just a bit better.

Images

This is a chest x-ray of the lungs.



This is a 16 slice CAT Scan of the lungs.


Definitely better.

This is a 64 Slice CAT Scan of the lungs.



Again, a 64 Slice CAT Scan of the lungs.




In the category of "The More You Know" or "Filoli Cancer Tips and Insights" we should discuss the following:

Turns out that 25% of lung cancers do not exhibit any symptoms and are identified through routine or pre-op chest x-rays or CAT scans.

In the subcategory "WTF," lung cancer survival rates are dramatically lower than other cancers despite advances in survival research.

More specifically:

Since the enactment of the National Cancer Act of 1971 (Public Law 92-218; 85 Stat. 778), coordinated and comprehensive research has raised the 5-year survival rates for breast cancer to 88%, for prostate cancer to 99%, and for colon cancer to 64%.

However, the 5-year survival rate for lung cancer is still only 15%

(as in 1971).

Without a doubt a similar coordinated and comprehensive research effort is required to achieve increases in lung cancer survivability rates.

60% of lung cancer cases are now diagnosed as nonsmokers or former smokers.

Lung cancer mortality reduction should be made a national public health priority.

Without a doubt early detection saves lives.

Presently, all post-5 year survivors are accidental survivors who were asymptomatic and CAT scanned or x-rayed for other reasons and a careful radiologist identified a possible issue.

5 out of 5 lung cancer survivors recommend CAT Scans.

As such, we currently started the authorization process today with our insurance company for Alpha's CAT Scan.

As though you had to ask - yes, the 64 Slice.

Are you kidding? Do you really think I would tolerate anything less?

So, tomorrow I have a gig to chat about health care.

What are the odds that I may be a bit more snippy if I am fighting with the insurance company regarding approval of the CT Scan?


In my inner soul birdhouse I continue to sing "this is nothing."

But - I am already forever changed.

These facts are unacceptable.

For my family, for your family, for all of us.

We can change this.

This Downward Dog

* Warning - for a family or friend of the family that might be reading this, I need you to understand as counter intuitive as this may seem, the following is private. Meaning, there will be no freaking out or calling or fretting over the following information. However, I find myself in a situation where I very much need to figure something out and unfortunately for me, this often happens here. I wasn't going to say anything here and then realized - I kind of need to in order for me to become slightly more tolerable to myself. My apologies if I make no sense at all.

That said, we will now all take a deep breath, sit back, and calmly process the following:

For work, Alpha must periodically have a chest x-ray to prove that he doesn't have TB.

We have found this to be a tedious, tiresome and silly requirement.

Following his most recent doctor's visit, his physician wanted to go over "something" with him.

Alpha and I were none too concerned.

Late last Friday afternoon, I was harassing my husband to meet me at my favorite vegetarian dig following his visit because it turns out I was without cash or credit of any kind. I was quite excited to see him, since I had a very frustrating morning at work. Alpha shows up and seems...off.

I ask him what the doctor wanted to talk to him about,

and Alpha informs me that his chest x-ray showed

a "shadow" or "possible mass" in his right lung.

It was at this moment that the entire restaurant became intensely brighter and I felt as though someone pushed me into a spinning vortex exactly one foot behind where I was sitting that required my every thought, my every intention to somehow pull myself back into my body and continue this unexpected conversation.

Alpha proceeds to tell me that he is still very much processing the information and that he and the physician talked about it and they both agreed that he is exceptionally low risk for lung cancer and that perhaps the best course of action is to monitor the situation by doing another chest x-ray in 3 months. The other option that was discussed was to do an immediate CT scan.

It was here that I began an ever-supportive terrorist-suspect style questioning as to every sentence, every word, every bit of information that was exchanged to establish his low risk status.

I will spare you the details.

In sum, I agreed that this seems unlikely and highly improbable since Alpha is not and has not been a smoker; he is young and healthy; and, is not demonstrating any symptoms associated with lung cancer.

However, we do have quite the family history of cancer.

Let's see: his maternal grandfather (lung cancer), his paternal grandfather (lung cancer), his father (lung cancer), his aunt (colon cancer), his uncle (colon cancer), his cousin (breast cancer); and, his sister (breast cancer).

Perhaps, I would be cooler about this whole thing if his sister just didn't finish chemo...but I found myself decidedly unsettled by this assumption of low risk given lifestyle and age risk factors. I really want the CT scan to be in Alpha's future and quite possibly as of yesterday.

Over the weekend I was embarrassed with how fundamentally flawed and ridiculous I truly am as a person.

I attribute this to a noted lack of certainty as to what is truly going on or what will be.

I probably would not be writing at all but for this nagging feeling that underneath all of this is this moment right here, to be followed by the next moment which should be lived and experienced right over there - not here.



[sigh]


Back to my problem.


My problem is that I am required (by physics and such) to live here in this place and time of not knowing.

I have been complaining this summer that my professional life feels at a bit of a crossroads.

I know - how indulgent.

But this - this is not a crossroads.

In my mind's eye, crossroads are well lit and I imagine paved...

plus, it seems your life options are go right, go left, go forward (never straight - old joke) or go backwards.

This...

This is more akin to bouncing along a trail and coming unexpectedly on a distinct 'Y' in your path.



This could be a cancer diagnosis or some other health issue.

This could be nothing at all.


This could be discouraging.

This could be relief.


Here in this moment all exist.




Both are real and frighteningly

probable.


I do not want to let my mind wander or even glance curiously at either direction.


At some point,

(not the points where I was lump-in-throat mad,

or when the ever-knife-wielding inner Crazy Infertile Woman was holding me hostage,

or the points where I "just knew" that it is nothing because how could one more fucking cancer diagnosis happen to us this year - I mean really, am I trapped in some Book Club of the Month pick?)

my point is - that

at some point,

I realized this is downward dog.

This is that place where you need to lift from your arms, stack your spine, evenly distribute your weight, breathe deeply into the back of your legs, relax...

And as they say, "stay here for 5 breaths,"

5 interminable (at times long-suffering) breaths.



This is preparing for a transition.

This is an invitation

to simply be here.


Where 2 alternate universes are visible, but can't be experienced or known now.

I thought this was uncertainty.





I

hate

hate

hate

uncertainty.

I want known - a heaping giant pile of certitude for 2, please?





But,

not possible,

not life,

and I am finding that being here,

this waiting,

this place,

is a sacred certainty

to be known, to be honored, to be loved.

I thought I was off balance,

but really I need to just rest my weight to the back of my heels,

and breathe,

and be here...



and see,

here - I am smiling.

I am freaking smiling and throat-lumpy all the same time,





because of this

downward dog.

This Downward Facing Dog.

Good or Bad - we really should have no worries, should we?

Now is now; Then is then; and, This is This.

Happy Friday

Man Behind the March

Please Watch:

We're Screwed

"SPECIAL EDITION" NEW YORK POST from The Yes Men on Vimeo.

So, this is the Fall Equinox...and I wanted to do a post or something about that

BUT

this just distracted and cracked me up

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

damn it - it may not be working, okay here is a link

and here is a good myth vs. reality for climate issues link

oh and this is pretty disturbing as well (for a quick summary)

A Day and Night of Equal Length

I have too many thoughts right now. Just too many.

I have many things that I should be doing right now, but I am distracted. So, I am taking a lunch to see if I can get some of this out of my head.

First, this post just rocked me this morning for many reasons but also by simply mentioning avidya.

Avidya means "illusion" or "delusion" but as it relates to your finite self - not your infinite self.

So an illusion or delusion about one's body or physical being - but not your soul.

As Michelle references, avidya is very much about this ever present concern in yoga that we might be suppressing the real nature of things in order to present the image or notion of something else in its place. Typically this discussion is centered around "can you actually even have a yoga class in a high-member giant gym setting - is that yoga?" But, this was also a good point about our approach and how we enter the home of yoga.

Not so long ago, some of my family and friends were having a conversation over a fantastic bottle of wine about biodynamic farming and sustainable agriculture, blah, blah, blah and one of the individuals mentioned their secret and disturbing love of a highly processed crap food that I will not mention.

To which I sighed, lifted my glass and said "but we all love avidya, that is the problem with avidya..."

Highly processed edible products suppress the real nature of things and present something else in its place - and loving illusion becomes or at least seems easier. Avidya.

But the core concept of avidya is as it relates to our finite self...and typically, that is how I think of it. Some of our illusions about who we are and what we can accomplish are just false. Thus, my love of the Biggest Loser. You get to watch people confront avidya and clearly I find it to be quite entertaining.

Maya is something the same and yet profoundly different. Maya also means "illusion" but as it relates to your cosmic, spiritual self. It is a concept that I struggle with all the time. So, I found myself a bit disoriented not so long ago as I was being guided through a maya yoga flow. I really do not fully understand the flow or the idea other than I found it somewhat disorienting, daring, profound and oddly balancing. So much so that I think in some ways, that is where I should be right now - somewhat off balance and embracing the inevitable illusion of cosmic self.

Why, why, why am I babbling on and on about this?

Because Saturday night was a high school reunion for Eva Luna and to go to such an event bald takes a considerable amount of vayu (animating energy). To be bald at such an event is considerable karma. Please understand that karma is not some Hindu golden rule sort of thing.

Here is an oversimplified explanation of karma: for every desire there exists a resistance to that desire...so really, karma is resistance. So the desire to go to this event and see people while not wanting to be seen by people you haven't spoken to in a long time and you really don't want to talk about your cancer treatment is resistance.

In getting ready for the event, Eva Luna was having a hell of a time. She was just having a bitch of a time with the false eyelashes...it is one thing to not have hair on your head, but eyelashes that are MIA are in fact considerably disturbing to one's notion of self. So she was just fighting and fighting and fighting with trying to make them work, and then that stress leads to another stress, to another stress...all mounting up into an even more heightened-lump-in-the-back-of-your-throat desire to scream "fuck it - I am not going." But you can't really call it off when the 5 other people that you are going with are all sitting in your living room chatting and waiting on you - and you are responsible for bringing some things to the party.

It would have been easy to be trapped by avidya.

But instead, Eva Luna trusted maya and ripped off the fake eyelashes.

As such...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the Bald At Reunion with No Eyelashes Asana.

Picture not included, but I promise it was quite the sight to see.

This is yoga.

Eva Luna made a list of goals and activities during chemo that she wanted to do when she felt better again. Yoga is on her list but she is having a hard time finding time, scheduling, living life coming back from all of this crap, [insert the million of reasons everyone has on a daily basis - you know, avidya].

But in so many ways, she is already a yogi.

This is why I sabotaged the voting and Eva Luna was awarded

"Most Changed Since High School."

I know!

But maybe sometimes a little avidya is necessary to provide profound insight into maya.

(and it was hilarious because I knew that the prize included hair dye)


So in answer to Michelle's question: who are your teachers?

Prior to Saturday,

I would have blathered on about"I don't know...see that is what I need, I am trying" yackity-yack-yack.

Today my answer is

"I am learning that I have many teachers.

One of which is Eva Luna."


Namaste.

No - I mean it, I am saying to you - yes, you

Namaste.

What is public health?

A goal to make us a healthier nation in one generation:

The F-Word

No not that.

The other F-word. The word that we are too uncomfortable to use in polite company.

The F-word that isn't supposed to matter anymore.

Feminist.

[loud gasp]

"No don't say it!," they cry.

If you are interested in WTF (what-the-feminist) is going on in the world today, you should check out The Means of Reproduction: Sex, Power and the Future of the World by Michelle Goldberg. (Although, I am loath to oversimplify this work as feminist since that will mean most women in the West will then simply refuse to read it.)

Let's put it this way: If you give money to this organization, or this organization, or even this organization. You will probably want to check out this book.

I keep forgetting to mention it to you, but it is quite good, quite disturbing, and I dare say, quite important.

I will confess, I have a bit of an F-crush on Michelle's voice right now.

Read it. Even if you hate it, disagree with it, or find it somewhat failing in anyway, I think our global discussion on gender issues and poverty will be remarkably improved if we have all read this piece.

"Damn you, Kanye!,"

the throng screamed into the night, clutching their pitch forks and shovels.

Just when I thought the ultimate misdirection was in play, I found this:



Oh, and this one was funny too:

[loud high pitch squeal of frustration]

What do you care about right now?

I mean - really care about.

Are we a society that even does truly compassionately care?

Are we capable of caring

or has it been beaten out of us by this constant blaring white noise to consume and blinding mantra that we are all supposed to chant in praise of capitalism and free market that benefits the few?

Do you care?

And what do you really want to know about anymore?

I mean - people are all over the place right now with pink-puffy-irate faces bellowing about health care reform.

But what do you care? Do you care that this discourse is absolutely Opposite Huzzah (fucking) ridiculous?

Do you know the 4 principle models of health care delivery?

Do you care that the fundamental flaw in our system is that we attempt to employ all 4 said models in our health care delivery system?

Do you really care that Congress admonished Mr. "You Lie!" today?

Do you care that Kanye apologized to Taylor after her appearance on "The View" today?

Do you care that despite many a philanthropic dollar sent to charities that some of our most devastating decisions that create food crises in developing nations occur in your grocery store?

Do you care that communities in our country have no access to grocery stores which creates distressing and devastating food deserts?

Do you care that one of the funniest and most disturbing odd parables I have observed in modern times is the fact that the first GMO trademarked was for a tomato which is affectionately referred to as a Love Apple?

Do you care that the modern forbidden fruit might again be an apple?

Do you care that I don't believe that the original sin was eating the apple, but rather when Eve added to word of God when communicating to Adam "what God said" to her?

Do you care that I can't stop thinking about Life is Elsewhere in this current enraging political climate?

Do you care that I was the only person that bid on an autographed picture of Jimmy Carter the other night at a fundraising benefit?

Do you care that I started rereading Unbearable Lightness of Being last night when I couldn't find my copy of Life is Elsewhere?

Do you care that I had an overwhelming desire to punch some poor woman in the nose the other day for making some innocent "you deserve those children, not her..." comment?

Do you care that much to her dismay I inappropriately felt compelled to launch into an "every child deserves a relationship with their birthparents" speech followed by an application of best interests analysis?

Do you care that I apologized later?

Do you care that the drought issues in California are getting substantially worse and that we are only now getting a substantive implementation of "only serving water upon request" at restaurants in select communities?

Do you care that I am obsessed with an idea that all communities without access to a grocery store that provides adequate supplies of organic and whole foods should start a co-op?

Do you care that the projected new cancer diagnosis rate for this year was 1,479,350?

Do you care that the CEO for Whole Foods published an op-ed piece arguing against "Obamacare" where he articulated a critique against a health care entitlement program that is NOT being proposed and committed a number of other unforgivable logical fallacies?

Do you care that a glacier is shrinking?

Do you care that a species is endangered?

Do you care about the alleged backroom Big Pharma deal?

Do you care that I have some mystery stain on my shirt?

Do you care that I have no idea what to do for dinner tonight?

Do you care that all I want to do right now is dive head first into the deepest glass of wine man has ever made?


I get it.

There is just flat out too much in the world to care about and a substantial amount that doesn't deserve [wink, wink] our care.

But how could this possibly mean that the answer is inertia?

Desperately Seeking Asana

So.

This weekend I had a Desperately Seeking Asana moment.

We were out of town and I went online and found a class for Saturday morning that I could fit in for the weekend. I was recently reminded that yoga is a practice which means that you need to do it, not think about it, not occasionally, not once or twice a week, but daily - practice.

So, I do a wee bit of research and make a few calls and everyone confirms that this vinyasa class is going to be held on Saturday morning at 9:30. This is good because the other class that I found was going to be at 9:15. The 9:30 class would be closer and I could sleep in longer after we hang out and drink a bit the night before.

I am truly a bastion of integrity, inspiration and light - huh?

Saturday, I wake up. Drink my green juice and head out.

I get there. No cars. Just me.

I walk around the building and find an "Om" sign and underneath the words,

"Cancelled."

This is funny.

Funny that I went to great lengths to find a class and that it turns out -

Om is Cancelled.

This is an unfortunate day for the universe.

While I am standing there about 15 other people show up, shocked and sad that Om is Cancelled.

I know. Huge bummer.

Courtesy of modern technology I discover that there may be a class in the next town over at 10. I head over to see if it is in session and call my mother-in-law to see if she knows a contact or any inside information. She tells me to wait and see. So I wait and see. Just sitting in a parking lot staring at the door of the Vet building just wanting a damn class. At this point, Om feels very Cancelled.

No one shows.

Om continues to be Cancelled.

I go home. Alpha tells me to just do a session by myself at home on the deck. He explains the beauty of our surroundings, how cool it would be, how much easier it would be, it will all be well...

I hear "blah, blah, blah, blah, no yoga for you, blah, blah, blah."

Back to technology.

I find that the studio that did in fact hold the 9:15 class I was too lazy to attend will be doing a noon Beginner's Class. At this point, I am thinking even if this is a ridiculously over simplified beginner's orientation - I can get some structure, some guidance, some practice out of it and more importantly get out of my own self-indulgent head.

Alpha being a much better and understanding me far better than myself kind of guy, offers to take me so we can grab a lunch afterwards.

I show up to the class.

I am the only person to show up for the class.

Just me.

Om for One.

Om is on.

I ended up talking, really talking to the teacher before class.

About this, about that, about so and so, about detox, about meditation, about - you get the picture.

Then have the pleasure and pain of 60 very full minutes of complete and focused attention on my yoga practice.

I learned. I felt. I breathed.

I missed old times. I welcomed the possibility of new times.

I grounded and grew.

But grew from this grounded earth dark soil side of self.

She kept "planting" me.

I forgot that I needed to be planted.

I started to remember the strength of the dark soil of self

and that is where we extend from to be light.

John Friend has this saying,

"Darkness reveals what Light conceals."

I have been thinking about this.

Early Friday morning, our friend's tiny light went back to dark.

From Dark a small Light was revealed and now in Dark we have a new and different Lightness.

It is all so very complicated and yet painfully simple.

For a girl who has been so "boo to the pregnant belly" for some time, I find myself shockingly at peace with this new awareness and appreciation for the womb of darkness. I have been running around for what feels like lifetimes grabbing the spotlight and shining it on myself and screaming, "but what do you seeeeeeeeeeeee, who am I, what am I, what am I going to be when I grow up, define me, for the love of all things holy, someone define meeeeeeeeeee!"

How very annoying.

Could it be that to see,

I need to turn off the light.

I need to be soil. I need dark earth.

Michael Meade says,

"There is no other origin of Beauty than the wound."

I find that interesting.

According to Pattabhi Jois there are 6 poisons that surround my spiritual heart:

Kama, Krodha, Moha, Lobha, Matsarya and Mada

(Desire, Anger, Delusion, Greed, Envy and Sloth).

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

He says, God dwells in our heart in the form of light, but the light is covered by the 6 poisons; and yet,

with sustained practice, diligence and dedication over a long period of time, the light in my heart can generate a heat that will burn away these poisons...

then,

then,

then,

the light of our inner nature shines forth.


It may shine forth.



I wonder what that might look like...

Om is not cancelled.

Dark

“…But darkness holds it all

the shapes and the flames

the Animals and myself

all we know, even the gods,

and it may be its great power

is breaking my body open.

I have faith in the Night.”

- Rainier Maria Rilke

Surya Namaskar

alternatively titled, "long deep sigh."

In my silliness, I thought the last time we spoke,

you know, really spoke,

we were talking about me wondering

about moving closer to the sun and

what this trajectory means for me.

But it turns out the last time we chatted

it was about vomit.

How charming.


Question: Where the hell have you been, filoli?

Answer: I have no freaking clue.



In the course of recent human events,

I have

been doing a lot of detoxification.

a lot, a lot, a lot.

This may be due to the fact that I have had a front row seat in the very long and painful process of watching Eva Luna being toxified all summer long.


Explicably, watching someone being piped up with toxins

creates a very primal survival instinct

to get all toxins out of oneself.

The good news, no, the best news

is that Eva Luna is done, officially done with chemo.

Huzzah!

(that is for all of you that have enjoyed some Shakespeare in the park action this summer)

As such, cancer summer is officially over.

Now begins the decade or so of hormone therapy.

Opposite huzzah!

I believe this expression is more accurately "fuck."

As for my detox highlights,

it started out with me freaking out around mother's day because there was an article highlighting 2 women that won their respective categories in some national mother of the year competition. (just a little bit of vomit in the back of my mouth over this concept to begin with) Regardless, that is not what pissed me the hell off. What burned me; two pictures: 1) younger mother (I believe she was in the under 30 category, or 30-34, who the hell knows)with her husband and toddler perched on a kitchen counter with a bowl full of decorative fake apples next to her on the phone calling in for pizza; and, 2) the grandmother blissfully smiling at the camera as her 6 grandchildren gathered around her kitchen table all with their individual McDonald's bags in front of them.

Are you freaking kidding me?

What shocked me was the discussion of food, cooking, convenience, multi-tasking, book writing, lecturing, and the general wonderment with these women in their interviews all centered around organization and time management, but there was this very disturbing oversight that they were putting absolute crap into these little people. Oh, but they have great ideas about behavioral issues and medications. Evidently, using a planner is helpful.

You can color me granola - but I am not impressed.

I believe in the power of a vegetable.

I understand that I am an asshole about this issue. But you see I work and live in a community that provides the majority of the food that is in your grocery store (no matter where you are in the US) and am fundamentally pissed off that the communities where people live to pick your food do not have access to a freaking grocery store. Oh but no worries, there is a gas station and they have food there...oh, and half of the store is a McDonald's. So all good.

Let's just also overlook the fact that all of these communities have a lower per capita gdp than developing countries. For instance, the Congo has a higher per capita gdp than my neighboring community.

I digress.

And I guess that would be the better answer to the aforementioned question:

Where have you been?

"I digress."

I went back to the vegetable.

So this was May-ish. It started with just a desire to increase my fruits and vegetables from 5 a day to 7. Then I read this journal piece that preventative eating doesn't really start until you hit 10 - 13 servings a day. So, I have a new goal. This was June-ish.

By the end of July, I was back to about a 80% raw diet.

By August, I would say probably around 90% or so raw.

The impetus to go raw wasn't granola (which by the way is not raw) as much as it was "no one will turn on a freaking appliance or thing that does not cool this damn house."

It was a direct result of the heat wave.

But, somewhere in all of that I somehow started to create some space in myself that allowed me to see a piece of me again.

It was odd.

I dare say it was the beginning of a feeling of lightness.

More than anything in the world I want to feel and appreciate lightness of being.

I want to know lightness in darkness.

I need to choose light.

Then I went for a detoxification. I did a cedar enzyme bath.

I do these. No big deal.

But afterwards, while in the blanket room I had the worst mediation experience of my freaking life. I was off bouncing around in new age music land when all of the sudden my entire being was funnelled into this dark spinning vortex and this tight spinning, coiling force shot me out right above the eyes (third eye, 6th chakra). I panicked. I sat up, threw off the eye pillow and ear phones and just stared around the room like some wild animal. The only calming thing was that when I looked over next to me my mother-in-law was deeply snoring. I tried to relax and lie back down, calm my heart - and the damn thing happened to me again. This was not cool. I tried to relax again, but at this point all I wanted to do was cry. I was shocked.

I waited patiently for the music to stop so that I could grab my mother-in-law, tell her what happened to me, and get out - get better - or get some freaking answers.

But who do you talk to about these things?

And should you?

This is darkness.

I wanted to talk to my old (he is actually quite young) yogi, but he is in India...and I haven't talked to him in 6 years.

Darkness.

I was really upset.

I need a guru.

You see when we talk about guru we think teacher, but that is not the root of the word.

gu ("darkness")

and ru ("to push away")

I need a guru.

I thought I put myself back together.

I do that. I think I can put myself back together.

I innocently went to see that Julie and Julia movie everyone is loving.

After watching that movie, I found myself sinking in this horrible disgusting pit of knowledge that I am very much

not

back

together.

I ordered a mojito.

I felt better.

Not lighter - just better.

I remembered something my yogi would say to me.

I am not sharing.

But, I did roll out the mat for a 2 hour yoga practice.

I have not done that in

6 years.

I touched light.

I pulled out an old book that he gave me.

He highlighted, Be Free! Be Light!

I sighed.

I kept reading.

nama ("I bow, welcome, respect, invite in")

surya ("sun")

surya namaskar

I bow, welcome, respect and invite in the sun.

Sun Salutation.

If one is moving closer to the sun, one should honor it.

I don't know what this is exactly.

But it and and hopefully will be

Sun Salutation.

and that is where I have been.

and

I have missed you.

60 Things We Love About You

60 Things We Love About You

was the theme for our

birthday extravaganza

for

Alpha's Mom,

my mother-in-law.

Enjoy.