She Is Just Not Sleepy

So, I can't sleep right now.

(for a number of reasons)

Realistically, Number 1 would be "Because I have been drinking."

Numbers 2-infinity will be discussed later.

Number 1 - "Because I have been drinking."

Thus the late night/early morning partnership of filoli and laptop.

Tonight, or last night, we had a couple of social events we needed to attend. The first was a fundraiser that we go to every year and my parents are quite active in this organization - so attendance is mandatory. The second was originally a social event for just me (a bachelorette party for a dear friend, who also has been Alpha's friend since they were 3, or born, or something). Since I ended up drinking more than I had anticipated at the first event, Alpha was saddled with the responsibility of driving Miss. Tipsy to and from the bachelorette party.

On my experience spectrum for tonight I have "stealing wine from other table at dinner since they are all fundamentalists and wouldn't drink it anyway," "determinedly circling silent auction table in awe that unnamed bidder 247 is jacking me on the only damn thing I am interested in," "blissful private stolen moments and jokes with my husband at the table," "a gaggle of girls giggling over confectionery penises (peni?)," "disconnected perching on stranger's couch watching dear friend open lingerie present after present and feeling simultaneously like an ass for forgetting to buy something and justified because why the hell are they giving presents at a bachelorette party-where is that jello shot tray again...," and "long deep exhale and divine happiness to see Alpha at the door to pick me up and take me home."

In case you were wondering, the CT Scan did not go so well.

I had a list, a list of words that I was going to be more or less comfortable with if seen on a radiology report, a list of words that I would be relieved by, a list of words that might force me to be a bit more proactive even if others felt I was excessive or overly concerned.

On Thursday, when we received the CT report I was shocked to see the worst possible combination of words:

Noncalcified Pulmonary Nodule

other

smaller noncalcified pulmonary nodules

as well.


What I did not put on my aforementioned list of words that I would be cool with was numbers.

Hello, McFly, anybody in there?!

See, the chest xray identified an pulmonary nodule of .4 x 1.6 cm.

No.Big.Deal.

Quite small actually - all good.

But

but the CT Scan found,

the CT Scan

found

a multilobular nodule measuring

roughly

2 x 8 cm.


8 fucking cm!


So what do you?



What is the best patient advocate response to all this?

You get your husband to a thoracic surgical oncologist specialist as fast as you can.


I had this a-ha/oh shit moment this afternoon and then again a few minutes ago that woke me up that part of my trouble with researching this issue is that I keep researching "small noncalcified pulmonary nodule" and chances of malignancy when if fact, perhaps what I am dealing with might be some size range clinically known as greater than "small."


Today is now tomorrow - meaning Sunday - which means that I am one day closer to Monday or Tuesday which is the day(s) that we were told they would call us to schedule our consult which we were told typically occurs withing 24 - 48 hours following review of CT Scans and other materials.

[I said "really, for Eva Luna's breast cancer we had to fight to get an appointment within 6 weeks." Alpha laughs and replies "yeah, the advantage of lung cancer is that with the high turnover it is easier to get right in."]

We could be meeting with the doc as early as Wednesday - or it could be Friday - I don't know...we wait - that is the general theme of "now" - wait.

We still are not telling anyone - just a few people - oh and me with the internet ("hello, internets")...Alpha doesn't want to stress out his mother and some others in our lives right now because he thinks that they will freak out, get depressed, and could be hurt and turned inside out if by the end of all this we get a confirmed noncancer diagnosis...

I sometimes agree and sometimes disagree,

but honestly my disagreement is largely due to the fact that by not telling people,

"hey I am freaking the fuck out on the inside right now because my husband is telling me how great his life has been"

I feel as though a gravity mountain of raw nerves has been dumped on my head and I am stumbling around trying desperately to walk with this almost unbearable heaviness...

or something like that.

I need to go to bed.

This is a shit post because this is a shit topic and this is a shit moment in life

and

it is some of the best moments of life too.



You know what I mean.


I have had so many moments and experiences in the last few days that I want to get down because everything feels like water running through my hands right now...but I am thinking

that right now

I am just going to go back to bed

and see if I can actually talk about this and that and this and that other thing with you later.

[sigh]

Because right now I feel just a bit better.