This Downward Dog

* Warning - for a family or friend of the family that might be reading this, I need you to understand as counter intuitive as this may seem, the following is private. Meaning, there will be no freaking out or calling or fretting over the following information. However, I find myself in a situation where I very much need to figure something out and unfortunately for me, this often happens here. I wasn't going to say anything here and then realized - I kind of need to in order for me to become slightly more tolerable to myself. My apologies if I make no sense at all.

That said, we will now all take a deep breath, sit back, and calmly process the following:

For work, Alpha must periodically have a chest x-ray to prove that he doesn't have TB.

We have found this to be a tedious, tiresome and silly requirement.

Following his most recent doctor's visit, his physician wanted to go over "something" with him.

Alpha and I were none too concerned.

Late last Friday afternoon, I was harassing my husband to meet me at my favorite vegetarian dig following his visit because it turns out I was without cash or credit of any kind. I was quite excited to see him, since I had a very frustrating morning at work. Alpha shows up and seems...off.

I ask him what the doctor wanted to talk to him about,

and Alpha informs me that his chest x-ray showed

a "shadow" or "possible mass" in his right lung.

It was at this moment that the entire restaurant became intensely brighter and I felt as though someone pushed me into a spinning vortex exactly one foot behind where I was sitting that required my every thought, my every intention to somehow pull myself back into my body and continue this unexpected conversation.

Alpha proceeds to tell me that he is still very much processing the information and that he and the physician talked about it and they both agreed that he is exceptionally low risk for lung cancer and that perhaps the best course of action is to monitor the situation by doing another chest x-ray in 3 months. The other option that was discussed was to do an immediate CT scan.

It was here that I began an ever-supportive terrorist-suspect style questioning as to every sentence, every word, every bit of information that was exchanged to establish his low risk status.

I will spare you the details.

In sum, I agreed that this seems unlikely and highly improbable since Alpha is not and has not been a smoker; he is young and healthy; and, is not demonstrating any symptoms associated with lung cancer.

However, we do have quite the family history of cancer.

Let's see: his maternal grandfather (lung cancer), his paternal grandfather (lung cancer), his father (lung cancer), his aunt (colon cancer), his uncle (colon cancer), his cousin (breast cancer); and, his sister (breast cancer).

Perhaps, I would be cooler about this whole thing if his sister just didn't finish chemo...but I found myself decidedly unsettled by this assumption of low risk given lifestyle and age risk factors. I really want the CT scan to be in Alpha's future and quite possibly as of yesterday.

Over the weekend I was embarrassed with how fundamentally flawed and ridiculous I truly am as a person.

I attribute this to a noted lack of certainty as to what is truly going on or what will be.

I probably would not be writing at all but for this nagging feeling that underneath all of this is this moment right here, to be followed by the next moment which should be lived and experienced right over there - not here.



[sigh]


Back to my problem.


My problem is that I am required (by physics and such) to live here in this place and time of not knowing.

I have been complaining this summer that my professional life feels at a bit of a crossroads.

I know - how indulgent.

But this - this is not a crossroads.

In my mind's eye, crossroads are well lit and I imagine paved...

plus, it seems your life options are go right, go left, go forward (never straight - old joke) or go backwards.

This...

This is more akin to bouncing along a trail and coming unexpectedly on a distinct 'Y' in your path.



This could be a cancer diagnosis or some other health issue.

This could be nothing at all.


This could be discouraging.

This could be relief.


Here in this moment all exist.




Both are real and frighteningly

probable.


I do not want to let my mind wander or even glance curiously at either direction.


At some point,

(not the points where I was lump-in-throat mad,

or when the ever-knife-wielding inner Crazy Infertile Woman was holding me hostage,

or the points where I "just knew" that it is nothing because how could one more fucking cancer diagnosis happen to us this year - I mean really, am I trapped in some Book Club of the Month pick?)

my point is - that

at some point,

I realized this is downward dog.

This is that place where you need to lift from your arms, stack your spine, evenly distribute your weight, breathe deeply into the back of your legs, relax...

And as they say, "stay here for 5 breaths,"

5 interminable (at times long-suffering) breaths.



This is preparing for a transition.

This is an invitation

to simply be here.


Where 2 alternate universes are visible, but can't be experienced or known now.

I thought this was uncertainty.





I

hate

hate

hate

uncertainty.

I want known - a heaping giant pile of certitude for 2, please?





But,

not possible,

not life,

and I am finding that being here,

this waiting,

this place,

is a sacred certainty

to be known, to be honored, to be loved.

I thought I was off balance,

but really I need to just rest my weight to the back of my heels,

and breathe,

and be here...



and see,

here - I am smiling.

I am freaking smiling and throat-lumpy all the same time,





because of this

downward dog.

This Downward Facing Dog.

Good or Bad - we really should have no worries, should we?

Now is now; Then is then; and, This is This.

Happy Friday

Man Behind the March

Please Watch:

We're Screwed

"SPECIAL EDITION" NEW YORK POST from The Yes Men on Vimeo.

So, this is the Fall Equinox...and I wanted to do a post or something about that

BUT

this just distracted and cracked me up

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

damn it - it may not be working, okay here is a link

and here is a good myth vs. reality for climate issues link

oh and this is pretty disturbing as well (for a quick summary)

A Day and Night of Equal Length

I have too many thoughts right now. Just too many.

I have many things that I should be doing right now, but I am distracted. So, I am taking a lunch to see if I can get some of this out of my head.

First, this post just rocked me this morning for many reasons but also by simply mentioning avidya.

Avidya means "illusion" or "delusion" but as it relates to your finite self - not your infinite self.

So an illusion or delusion about one's body or physical being - but not your soul.

As Michelle references, avidya is very much about this ever present concern in yoga that we might be suppressing the real nature of things in order to present the image or notion of something else in its place. Typically this discussion is centered around "can you actually even have a yoga class in a high-member giant gym setting - is that yoga?" But, this was also a good point about our approach and how we enter the home of yoga.

Not so long ago, some of my family and friends were having a conversation over a fantastic bottle of wine about biodynamic farming and sustainable agriculture, blah, blah, blah and one of the individuals mentioned their secret and disturbing love of a highly processed crap food that I will not mention.

To which I sighed, lifted my glass and said "but we all love avidya, that is the problem with avidya..."

Highly processed edible products suppress the real nature of things and present something else in its place - and loving illusion becomes or at least seems easier. Avidya.

But the core concept of avidya is as it relates to our finite self...and typically, that is how I think of it. Some of our illusions about who we are and what we can accomplish are just false. Thus, my love of the Biggest Loser. You get to watch people confront avidya and clearly I find it to be quite entertaining.

Maya is something the same and yet profoundly different. Maya also means "illusion" but as it relates to your cosmic, spiritual self. It is a concept that I struggle with all the time. So, I found myself a bit disoriented not so long ago as I was being guided through a maya yoga flow. I really do not fully understand the flow or the idea other than I found it somewhat disorienting, daring, profound and oddly balancing. So much so that I think in some ways, that is where I should be right now - somewhat off balance and embracing the inevitable illusion of cosmic self.

Why, why, why am I babbling on and on about this?

Because Saturday night was a high school reunion for Eva Luna and to go to such an event bald takes a considerable amount of vayu (animating energy). To be bald at such an event is considerable karma. Please understand that karma is not some Hindu golden rule sort of thing.

Here is an oversimplified explanation of karma: for every desire there exists a resistance to that desire...so really, karma is resistance. So the desire to go to this event and see people while not wanting to be seen by people you haven't spoken to in a long time and you really don't want to talk about your cancer treatment is resistance.

In getting ready for the event, Eva Luna was having a hell of a time. She was just having a bitch of a time with the false eyelashes...it is one thing to not have hair on your head, but eyelashes that are MIA are in fact considerably disturbing to one's notion of self. So she was just fighting and fighting and fighting with trying to make them work, and then that stress leads to another stress, to another stress...all mounting up into an even more heightened-lump-in-the-back-of-your-throat desire to scream "fuck it - I am not going." But you can't really call it off when the 5 other people that you are going with are all sitting in your living room chatting and waiting on you - and you are responsible for bringing some things to the party.

It would have been easy to be trapped by avidya.

But instead, Eva Luna trusted maya and ripped off the fake eyelashes.

As such...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the Bald At Reunion with No Eyelashes Asana.

Picture not included, but I promise it was quite the sight to see.

This is yoga.

Eva Luna made a list of goals and activities during chemo that she wanted to do when she felt better again. Yoga is on her list but she is having a hard time finding time, scheduling, living life coming back from all of this crap, [insert the million of reasons everyone has on a daily basis - you know, avidya].

But in so many ways, she is already a yogi.

This is why I sabotaged the voting and Eva Luna was awarded

"Most Changed Since High School."

I know!

But maybe sometimes a little avidya is necessary to provide profound insight into maya.

(and it was hilarious because I knew that the prize included hair dye)


So in answer to Michelle's question: who are your teachers?

Prior to Saturday,

I would have blathered on about"I don't know...see that is what I need, I am trying" yackity-yack-yack.

Today my answer is

"I am learning that I have many teachers.

One of which is Eva Luna."


Namaste.

No - I mean it, I am saying to you - yes, you

Namaste.

What is public health?

A goal to make us a healthier nation in one generation:

The F-Word

No not that.

The other F-word. The word that we are too uncomfortable to use in polite company.

The F-word that isn't supposed to matter anymore.

Feminist.

[loud gasp]

"No don't say it!," they cry.

If you are interested in WTF (what-the-feminist) is going on in the world today, you should check out The Means of Reproduction: Sex, Power and the Future of the World by Michelle Goldberg. (Although, I am loath to oversimplify this work as feminist since that will mean most women in the West will then simply refuse to read it.)

Let's put it this way: If you give money to this organization, or this organization, or even this organization. You will probably want to check out this book.

I keep forgetting to mention it to you, but it is quite good, quite disturbing, and I dare say, quite important.

I will confess, I have a bit of an F-crush on Michelle's voice right now.

Read it. Even if you hate it, disagree with it, or find it somewhat failing in anyway, I think our global discussion on gender issues and poverty will be remarkably improved if we have all read this piece.

"Damn you, Kanye!,"

the throng screamed into the night, clutching their pitch forks and shovels.

Just when I thought the ultimate misdirection was in play, I found this:



Oh, and this one was funny too:

[loud high pitch squeal of frustration]

What do you care about right now?

I mean - really care about.

Are we a society that even does truly compassionately care?

Are we capable of caring

or has it been beaten out of us by this constant blaring white noise to consume and blinding mantra that we are all supposed to chant in praise of capitalism and free market that benefits the few?

Do you care?

And what do you really want to know about anymore?

I mean - people are all over the place right now with pink-puffy-irate faces bellowing about health care reform.

But what do you care? Do you care that this discourse is absolutely Opposite Huzzah (fucking) ridiculous?

Do you know the 4 principle models of health care delivery?

Do you care that the fundamental flaw in our system is that we attempt to employ all 4 said models in our health care delivery system?

Do you really care that Congress admonished Mr. "You Lie!" today?

Do you care that Kanye apologized to Taylor after her appearance on "The View" today?

Do you care that despite many a philanthropic dollar sent to charities that some of our most devastating decisions that create food crises in developing nations occur in your grocery store?

Do you care that communities in our country have no access to grocery stores which creates distressing and devastating food deserts?

Do you care that one of the funniest and most disturbing odd parables I have observed in modern times is the fact that the first GMO trademarked was for a tomato which is affectionately referred to as a Love Apple?

Do you care that the modern forbidden fruit might again be an apple?

Do you care that I don't believe that the original sin was eating the apple, but rather when Eve added to word of God when communicating to Adam "what God said" to her?

Do you care that I can't stop thinking about Life is Elsewhere in this current enraging political climate?

Do you care that I was the only person that bid on an autographed picture of Jimmy Carter the other night at a fundraising benefit?

Do you care that I started rereading Unbearable Lightness of Being last night when I couldn't find my copy of Life is Elsewhere?

Do you care that I had an overwhelming desire to punch some poor woman in the nose the other day for making some innocent "you deserve those children, not her..." comment?

Do you care that much to her dismay I inappropriately felt compelled to launch into an "every child deserves a relationship with their birthparents" speech followed by an application of best interests analysis?

Do you care that I apologized later?

Do you care that the drought issues in California are getting substantially worse and that we are only now getting a substantive implementation of "only serving water upon request" at restaurants in select communities?

Do you care that I am obsessed with an idea that all communities without access to a grocery store that provides adequate supplies of organic and whole foods should start a co-op?

Do you care that the projected new cancer diagnosis rate for this year was 1,479,350?

Do you care that the CEO for Whole Foods published an op-ed piece arguing against "Obamacare" where he articulated a critique against a health care entitlement program that is NOT being proposed and committed a number of other unforgivable logical fallacies?

Do you care that a glacier is shrinking?

Do you care that a species is endangered?

Do you care about the alleged backroom Big Pharma deal?

Do you care that I have some mystery stain on my shirt?

Do you care that I have no idea what to do for dinner tonight?

Do you care that all I want to do right now is dive head first into the deepest glass of wine man has ever made?


I get it.

There is just flat out too much in the world to care about and a substantial amount that doesn't deserve [wink, wink] our care.

But how could this possibly mean that the answer is inertia?

Desperately Seeking Asana

So.

This weekend I had a Desperately Seeking Asana moment.

We were out of town and I went online and found a class for Saturday morning that I could fit in for the weekend. I was recently reminded that yoga is a practice which means that you need to do it, not think about it, not occasionally, not once or twice a week, but daily - practice.

So, I do a wee bit of research and make a few calls and everyone confirms that this vinyasa class is going to be held on Saturday morning at 9:30. This is good because the other class that I found was going to be at 9:15. The 9:30 class would be closer and I could sleep in longer after we hang out and drink a bit the night before.

I am truly a bastion of integrity, inspiration and light - huh?

Saturday, I wake up. Drink my green juice and head out.

I get there. No cars. Just me.

I walk around the building and find an "Om" sign and underneath the words,

"Cancelled."

This is funny.

Funny that I went to great lengths to find a class and that it turns out -

Om is Cancelled.

This is an unfortunate day for the universe.

While I am standing there about 15 other people show up, shocked and sad that Om is Cancelled.

I know. Huge bummer.

Courtesy of modern technology I discover that there may be a class in the next town over at 10. I head over to see if it is in session and call my mother-in-law to see if she knows a contact or any inside information. She tells me to wait and see. So I wait and see. Just sitting in a parking lot staring at the door of the Vet building just wanting a damn class. At this point, Om feels very Cancelled.

No one shows.

Om continues to be Cancelled.

I go home. Alpha tells me to just do a session by myself at home on the deck. He explains the beauty of our surroundings, how cool it would be, how much easier it would be, it will all be well...

I hear "blah, blah, blah, blah, no yoga for you, blah, blah, blah."

Back to technology.

I find that the studio that did in fact hold the 9:15 class I was too lazy to attend will be doing a noon Beginner's Class. At this point, I am thinking even if this is a ridiculously over simplified beginner's orientation - I can get some structure, some guidance, some practice out of it and more importantly get out of my own self-indulgent head.

Alpha being a much better and understanding me far better than myself kind of guy, offers to take me so we can grab a lunch afterwards.

I show up to the class.

I am the only person to show up for the class.

Just me.

Om for One.

Om is on.

I ended up talking, really talking to the teacher before class.

About this, about that, about so and so, about detox, about meditation, about - you get the picture.

Then have the pleasure and pain of 60 very full minutes of complete and focused attention on my yoga practice.

I learned. I felt. I breathed.

I missed old times. I welcomed the possibility of new times.

I grounded and grew.

But grew from this grounded earth dark soil side of self.

She kept "planting" me.

I forgot that I needed to be planted.

I started to remember the strength of the dark soil of self

and that is where we extend from to be light.

John Friend has this saying,

"Darkness reveals what Light conceals."

I have been thinking about this.

Early Friday morning, our friend's tiny light went back to dark.

From Dark a small Light was revealed and now in Dark we have a new and different Lightness.

It is all so very complicated and yet painfully simple.

For a girl who has been so "boo to the pregnant belly" for some time, I find myself shockingly at peace with this new awareness and appreciation for the womb of darkness. I have been running around for what feels like lifetimes grabbing the spotlight and shining it on myself and screaming, "but what do you seeeeeeeeeeeee, who am I, what am I, what am I going to be when I grow up, define me, for the love of all things holy, someone define meeeeeeeeeee!"

How very annoying.

Could it be that to see,

I need to turn off the light.

I need to be soil. I need dark earth.

Michael Meade says,

"There is no other origin of Beauty than the wound."

I find that interesting.

According to Pattabhi Jois there are 6 poisons that surround my spiritual heart:

Kama, Krodha, Moha, Lobha, Matsarya and Mada

(Desire, Anger, Delusion, Greed, Envy and Sloth).

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

He says, God dwells in our heart in the form of light, but the light is covered by the 6 poisons; and yet,

with sustained practice, diligence and dedication over a long period of time, the light in my heart can generate a heat that will burn away these poisons...

then,

then,

then,

the light of our inner nature shines forth.


It may shine forth.



I wonder what that might look like...

Om is not cancelled.

Dark

“…But darkness holds it all

the shapes and the flames

the Animals and myself

all we know, even the gods,

and it may be its great power

is breaking my body open.

I have faith in the Night.”

- Rainier Maria Rilke

Surya Namaskar

alternatively titled, "long deep sigh."

In my silliness, I thought the last time we spoke,

you know, really spoke,

we were talking about me wondering

about moving closer to the sun and

what this trajectory means for me.

But it turns out the last time we chatted

it was about vomit.

How charming.


Question: Where the hell have you been, filoli?

Answer: I have no freaking clue.



In the course of recent human events,

I have

been doing a lot of detoxification.

a lot, a lot, a lot.

This may be due to the fact that I have had a front row seat in the very long and painful process of watching Eva Luna being toxified all summer long.


Explicably, watching someone being piped up with toxins

creates a very primal survival instinct

to get all toxins out of oneself.

The good news, no, the best news

is that Eva Luna is done, officially done with chemo.

Huzzah!

(that is for all of you that have enjoyed some Shakespeare in the park action this summer)

As such, cancer summer is officially over.

Now begins the decade or so of hormone therapy.

Opposite huzzah!

I believe this expression is more accurately "fuck."

As for my detox highlights,

it started out with me freaking out around mother's day because there was an article highlighting 2 women that won their respective categories in some national mother of the year competition. (just a little bit of vomit in the back of my mouth over this concept to begin with) Regardless, that is not what pissed me the hell off. What burned me; two pictures: 1) younger mother (I believe she was in the under 30 category, or 30-34, who the hell knows)with her husband and toddler perched on a kitchen counter with a bowl full of decorative fake apples next to her on the phone calling in for pizza; and, 2) the grandmother blissfully smiling at the camera as her 6 grandchildren gathered around her kitchen table all with their individual McDonald's bags in front of them.

Are you freaking kidding me?

What shocked me was the discussion of food, cooking, convenience, multi-tasking, book writing, lecturing, and the general wonderment with these women in their interviews all centered around organization and time management, but there was this very disturbing oversight that they were putting absolute crap into these little people. Oh, but they have great ideas about behavioral issues and medications. Evidently, using a planner is helpful.

You can color me granola - but I am not impressed.

I believe in the power of a vegetable.

I understand that I am an asshole about this issue. But you see I work and live in a community that provides the majority of the food that is in your grocery store (no matter where you are in the US) and am fundamentally pissed off that the communities where people live to pick your food do not have access to a freaking grocery store. Oh but no worries, there is a gas station and they have food there...oh, and half of the store is a McDonald's. So all good.

Let's just also overlook the fact that all of these communities have a lower per capita gdp than developing countries. For instance, the Congo has a higher per capita gdp than my neighboring community.

I digress.

And I guess that would be the better answer to the aforementioned question:

Where have you been?

"I digress."

I went back to the vegetable.

So this was May-ish. It started with just a desire to increase my fruits and vegetables from 5 a day to 7. Then I read this journal piece that preventative eating doesn't really start until you hit 10 - 13 servings a day. So, I have a new goal. This was June-ish.

By the end of July, I was back to about a 80% raw diet.

By August, I would say probably around 90% or so raw.

The impetus to go raw wasn't granola (which by the way is not raw) as much as it was "no one will turn on a freaking appliance or thing that does not cool this damn house."

It was a direct result of the heat wave.

But, somewhere in all of that I somehow started to create some space in myself that allowed me to see a piece of me again.

It was odd.

I dare say it was the beginning of a feeling of lightness.

More than anything in the world I want to feel and appreciate lightness of being.

I want to know lightness in darkness.

I need to choose light.

Then I went for a detoxification. I did a cedar enzyme bath.

I do these. No big deal.

But afterwards, while in the blanket room I had the worst mediation experience of my freaking life. I was off bouncing around in new age music land when all of the sudden my entire being was funnelled into this dark spinning vortex and this tight spinning, coiling force shot me out right above the eyes (third eye, 6th chakra). I panicked. I sat up, threw off the eye pillow and ear phones and just stared around the room like some wild animal. The only calming thing was that when I looked over next to me my mother-in-law was deeply snoring. I tried to relax and lie back down, calm my heart - and the damn thing happened to me again. This was not cool. I tried to relax again, but at this point all I wanted to do was cry. I was shocked.

I waited patiently for the music to stop so that I could grab my mother-in-law, tell her what happened to me, and get out - get better - or get some freaking answers.

But who do you talk to about these things?

And should you?

This is darkness.

I wanted to talk to my old (he is actually quite young) yogi, but he is in India...and I haven't talked to him in 6 years.

Darkness.

I was really upset.

I need a guru.

You see when we talk about guru we think teacher, but that is not the root of the word.

gu ("darkness")

and ru ("to push away")

I need a guru.

I thought I put myself back together.

I do that. I think I can put myself back together.

I innocently went to see that Julie and Julia movie everyone is loving.

After watching that movie, I found myself sinking in this horrible disgusting pit of knowledge that I am very much

not

back

together.

I ordered a mojito.

I felt better.

Not lighter - just better.

I remembered something my yogi would say to me.

I am not sharing.

But, I did roll out the mat for a 2 hour yoga practice.

I have not done that in

6 years.

I touched light.

I pulled out an old book that he gave me.

He highlighted, Be Free! Be Light!

I sighed.

I kept reading.

nama ("I bow, welcome, respect, invite in")

surya ("sun")

surya namaskar

I bow, welcome, respect and invite in the sun.

Sun Salutation.

If one is moving closer to the sun, one should honor it.

I don't know what this is exactly.

But it and and hopefully will be

Sun Salutation.

and that is where I have been.

and

I have missed you.