Desperately Seeking Asana

So.

This weekend I had a Desperately Seeking Asana moment.

We were out of town and I went online and found a class for Saturday morning that I could fit in for the weekend. I was recently reminded that yoga is a practice which means that you need to do it, not think about it, not occasionally, not once or twice a week, but daily - practice.

So, I do a wee bit of research and make a few calls and everyone confirms that this vinyasa class is going to be held on Saturday morning at 9:30. This is good because the other class that I found was going to be at 9:15. The 9:30 class would be closer and I could sleep in longer after we hang out and drink a bit the night before.

I am truly a bastion of integrity, inspiration and light - huh?

Saturday, I wake up. Drink my green juice and head out.

I get there. No cars. Just me.

I walk around the building and find an "Om" sign and underneath the words,

"Cancelled."

This is funny.

Funny that I went to great lengths to find a class and that it turns out -

Om is Cancelled.

This is an unfortunate day for the universe.

While I am standing there about 15 other people show up, shocked and sad that Om is Cancelled.

I know. Huge bummer.

Courtesy of modern technology I discover that there may be a class in the next town over at 10. I head over to see if it is in session and call my mother-in-law to see if she knows a contact or any inside information. She tells me to wait and see. So I wait and see. Just sitting in a parking lot staring at the door of the Vet building just wanting a damn class. At this point, Om feels very Cancelled.

No one shows.

Om continues to be Cancelled.

I go home. Alpha tells me to just do a session by myself at home on the deck. He explains the beauty of our surroundings, how cool it would be, how much easier it would be, it will all be well...

I hear "blah, blah, blah, blah, no yoga for you, blah, blah, blah."

Back to technology.

I find that the studio that did in fact hold the 9:15 class I was too lazy to attend will be doing a noon Beginner's Class. At this point, I am thinking even if this is a ridiculously over simplified beginner's orientation - I can get some structure, some guidance, some practice out of it and more importantly get out of my own self-indulgent head.

Alpha being a much better and understanding me far better than myself kind of guy, offers to take me so we can grab a lunch afterwards.

I show up to the class.

I am the only person to show up for the class.

Just me.

Om for One.

Om is on.

I ended up talking, really talking to the teacher before class.

About this, about that, about so and so, about detox, about meditation, about - you get the picture.

Then have the pleasure and pain of 60 very full minutes of complete and focused attention on my yoga practice.

I learned. I felt. I breathed.

I missed old times. I welcomed the possibility of new times.

I grounded and grew.

But grew from this grounded earth dark soil side of self.

She kept "planting" me.

I forgot that I needed to be planted.

I started to remember the strength of the dark soil of self

and that is where we extend from to be light.

John Friend has this saying,

"Darkness reveals what Light conceals."

I have been thinking about this.

Early Friday morning, our friend's tiny light went back to dark.

From Dark a small Light was revealed and now in Dark we have a new and different Lightness.

It is all so very complicated and yet painfully simple.

For a girl who has been so "boo to the pregnant belly" for some time, I find myself shockingly at peace with this new awareness and appreciation for the womb of darkness. I have been running around for what feels like lifetimes grabbing the spotlight and shining it on myself and screaming, "but what do you seeeeeeeeeeeee, who am I, what am I, what am I going to be when I grow up, define me, for the love of all things holy, someone define meeeeeeeeeee!"

How very annoying.

Could it be that to see,

I need to turn off the light.

I need to be soil. I need dark earth.

Michael Meade says,

"There is no other origin of Beauty than the wound."

I find that interesting.

According to Pattabhi Jois there are 6 poisons that surround my spiritual heart:

Kama, Krodha, Moha, Lobha, Matsarya and Mada

(Desire, Anger, Delusion, Greed, Envy and Sloth).

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

He says, God dwells in our heart in the form of light, but the light is covered by the 6 poisons; and yet,

with sustained practice, diligence and dedication over a long period of time, the light in my heart can generate a heat that will burn away these poisons...

then,

then,

then,

the light of our inner nature shines forth.


It may shine forth.



I wonder what that might look like...

Om is not cancelled.