This is the Day

Life is always interesting

and sometimes more interesting than you would care for

but it is.

I apologize for vagueness...but it is still necessary.

Thursday, February 12th, someone I love and care for deeply in my family,

who is young

found a suspicious lump in her breast.

Immediately she was sent for a mammogram

then they sent her quickly for an ultrasound.

It was undeniable.

A lump.

Next, they scheduled a visit with a breast surgeon.

Oh, but you have to wait a week.

So we had a long weekend with the holiday...

then pushed through 2 more days of work...

then back to the doctor.

And that was the day of the unofficial/official cancer diagnosis.

Thursday, February 19th

We bought her a new pair of kick ass boots

it seemed appropriate

if one is going to be ass kicking, one should have new boots.

We drank sake.

We waited around because they wanted to schedule a biopsy procedure that night.

We talked, we cried, we laughed, we walked around in a bit of a daze...

the entire day was surreal

it was one of the moments where you notice everything

the weight of your phone in your hand as you are telling your husband the results,

the way the light was bouncing around the store,

the length of the traffic light,

everything was noticed.

it was that day.

We went to the biopsy,

things got more serious.

We needed a drink,

someone suggested cocktails,

I said "no, boobtails."

We drank pink drinks,

we went home,

and Friday was the day after that day.

All we had to do now was wait till Tuesday,

and Tuesday we get information,

the type of cancer,

receptors,

proliferation,

all on Tuesday.

The weekend was painful.

I am tired.

I want to call off all life activity.

I want to suspend the adoption process.

I want to not go to work.

I just want time to stop.

Monday eternal.

Tuesday.

Time was insufferable.

Shortly before we were scheduled for our visit,

all family in town for the meeting,

we get a call,

we need to reschedule to Thursday,

the pathology report is not in.

I found this unacceptable.

I made calls.

We received our pathology report on Tuesday.

It's cancer.

We knew that.

It's infiltrating.

We figured.

It's in your ducts.

Duh.

It's carcinoma.

We know it's cancer.

Now we talk about options and make plans.

Now she has to go for additional testing.

So Wednesday the second round of testing began to test for metastasis.

We received an addendum to the original pathology report.

The word 'unfavorable' appeared.

I hate that word.

This morning, I dropped off lab reports,

I was pulling away from the house

and in my rear view mirror

I saw my husband heading out for a walk

with my oldest niece

and my youngest nephew.

They are the same age as a sibling set we were presented last week to consider.

They headed off into the bright sun,

walking,

Alpha pushing a stroller,

dogs twisting leashes around wheels and children.

Today, in less than 20 minutes

we will find out if the cancer is outside of the breast.

Today, Thursday, February 26th

and all I can think,

all I can feel,

the only thing that has been in my mind,

is,

today, is the day

that the lord has made.

SU2C

I am going on a blogging break due to some unforeseen issues that have recently developed.

In the meantime, all I have to say is:

Meeting Mia...

Wino Wednesday to be posted soon...

Please Don't Worry

Are you willing to Play for Change?

Please Stand By Me

Happy, I say, Happy V-Day!

I do not tire of that video, it makes me giggle so...

and here is a little of this...

and if you want a little of that...

my Valentine's wish for you all is that you are "crazy in love"

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................

Special Delivery For You

I give you, wonderful people, an internet special delivery...

you get your own very special, handcrafted conference call office supply flower!



Ta da!
see there are paper clip petals and stems and rubber band...what is it called...the middle part of the flower...and leaves...

all for you!

Do you feel special now, loved, valued, cared for?

Good!

Because you are!

Now I need some help and assistance...I need to figure out some vocabulary issues for myself...

and I think this is the best place to get things sorted out...

I would like to come up with a new way to reference the difference between a genetically related child and a genetically unrelated child...and this is just for me...I am not trying to change the world here...

Here are my problems/challenges and concerns...

(oh, and I am looking for input from all not just those whose family is adopting)

1. I don't care for biological child references because I have yet to meet a child that has not been created by biology. Also, in reading all of this normative crises of adoptive family stuff there is extensive discussion about using such language impacts the adopted children negatively particularly in pre-adolescent and adolescent stages because they feel "alien, unnatural, severed from birth cycle." (Don't blame me, I am only relating the stuff that I have been reading that is creating my own identity and role crisis.)

2. For similar reasons I have issues with Born of Body and Born of Heart references.

I have been reading a lot of adoptee writings and essays. I find it interesting that in struggling with biology and birth there seems to be 3 different and distinct issues and themes:

1) discussions of feeling separated from the birth cycle, not witnessing the birth cycle within their family (particularly in families that deal with infertility), and feeling unconnected from nature and natural processes;

2) discussions of feeling separated from birth parents both physically and also socio-economically (kids struggling with being told "your parents were too poor and unable to provide for you" might feel compelled to either compulsively pursue philanthropic measures or start hanging with a "bad crowd" because they feel that it was their intended community...evidently according to my handy dandy normative crises of the adoptive family reading (which all are welcome to take exception with, because lord knows I have) both extremes are problematic and should be evaluated and addressed with your children; and,

3) discussions of feeling separated from birth culture which is not limited to only international adoption.

Phew!

So now I need help - I want new references...

You all are so freaking creative...surely you can give me something that is better...

I am thinking that all children that the state recognizes as your responsibility to parent are your children...period.

I would say that we should not acknowledge a difference - but oh sweet mother of all things holy does that flip out the normative crises in adoption family professional people...

and being a kid who witnessed first hand my parents' best friends struggle through both normative and WTF crises with their adopted child, I fully appreciate and understand why we need to embrace the differences and can't act as though it isn't different...

So give me your thoughts...por fa

I know I skipped Wino Wednesday this week...I will make it up later. I have had other things on my mind and in my heart so I couldn't really focus on it this week.

As one more special treat, I give you my surprise this morning...

It is probably hard to tell with the camera phone, but that is snow on the foothills from last night.

Pretty cool...

* p.s. I just spellchecked this post only to find out that 'adoptee' was not in the spelling dictionary. My options were adopt, adopter, etc. What the hell is that about! I believe I just witnessed what this book I was reading last night was talking about "society focuses on the adoptive parents and the birth parents and forgets the rights of the child." Well...the least we can do is get 'adoptee' into the damn spelling dictionary...particularly for a blog host that has so many adoption blogs...for the love...

it is a word, bloggerty-blogspot...you hear me!

oh, and I miss Julie...

A Little Bit Pregnant

First off...no I am not...

it is an expression that for some reason I just can't escape lately...

when I was 14 a very close friend found out she was pregnant...

I was with her when she told her parents...

she said "I'm a little bit pregnant..."

her father promptly responded...

"you can't be a little bit pregnant...you either are or you are not..."

she was...

then you go through fertility issues...

in this world sometimes they call a 'miscarriage' a "little bit pregnant"

because they think that might "help"

or you go through IVF and you enter PUPO...

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise...

this is an infuriating period because you are chemically telling your body you are pregnant...

and you have little implanted embryos inside you...

and you are thinking...please dear god don't let my body reject this process...

come on stupid body...

be positive...

be more positive...

be pregnant...

not otherwise...

maybe this is a little bit pregnant...

then you have chemical pregnancies...

those suck as well...

but if you tell someone and describe it as a little bit pregnant....

they might say "oh, then you weren't really pregnant..."

it is all so confusing...and deflating...

then you start the adoption process...

you are a pre-adoptive parent...

someone calls you paper pregnant...

because somewhere there was an article or conference or group that decided maybe we should call this process paper pregnancy to allow women who will not experience pregnancy feel included...or maybe it was thought of as a tool to engender emotional and gestational expectations associated with the placed child...

I don't know...

if your stupid home owner's insurance continues to send you another family's documents instead of yours thereby keeping your file incomplete...

does that mean you are just a little bit paper pregnant...

if you are being forced to rework elements of your paperwork is that a paper miscarriage...

oh the horrors...

all I know is that I am not paper pregnant...

others...you know who you are...have written about this struggle...

it is an odd term for me...

I struggle with it...

maybe it is because when my friend was 14

and we told her parents unequivocally

"she is having this baby and placing it for adoption."

and she went through endless months of swelling and doctor's visits,

and meeting with attorneys...

looking at pictures...

dealing with her family...

dealing with her friends...

dealing with strangers...

being sent away to live somewhere else so that no one would see her "show"

told to be ashamed and this was a mistake...

told by prospective parents to be proud and this was a miracle...

not a one time did she and I ever talk about the prospective adoptive parents as paper pregnant.

it never occurred to us...

when the adoption agreement was finalized and everyone agreed that the adoptive family would provide an annual letter and pictures...

we didn't think of this as paper parenting...

it was just the way it would be...

it was just the way this relationship seemed to resolve...

boy baby with them...her alone...

and before it was...

boy baby with her...them alone...

it was like we were on some bizarre loss scale

and the weights were suddenly and irrevocably flipped...

and then they stopped sending the letters and the pictures...

she is alone now...

and they stopped...

we stayed up late and cried...

she wrote a letter...

"by providing an annual letter and pictures it allows me a window to see my child..to let me know that he is alright...by stopping you have closed the window and I feel painfully cut off...all I ever asked for was the window to be open...I never asked that you open the door, just leave the window open..."

we drove to the lawyer's office...

by now we were 16...

we were so adult...

she was pregnant again...

we dropped off the letter...

they never responded...

we wrote another letter...

we dropped it off...

silence

silence

silence

I wondered to myself do they treat him this way...

are they just silent about this life that gave life that brought life to them...

she kept this baby...

but she never had another child...

I am not paper pregnant.

I don't know what I am...

and I am struggling with my own sense of identity in this process...

I feel as though everyone has more important roles than me...

[sigh]

but I do know...

I am not paper pregnant.

A Day in the Life of Grand

Yesterday, Alpha and I had our first 2.5 hour interview with the social workers from the fost-adopt agency. At the end of this interview we were informed that we had our individual interviews to do, some additional paperwork and surveys, some books to please read (I got 1/2 way through the first one last night)...oh, and 8-10 more hours of couple interviews.

Yes, that is right, 8-10 more hours.

I felt pretty emotionally raw after our first meeting...and I think I am dangerously close to spilling all on this blog and pumping my fist into the air and taking a "I'll be damned if I will hold back" approach and then if my social workers decide to blog stalk me to review my "appropriateness for placement" then that is okay...

we are all adults here...and maybe it will provide a new perspective that can assist other families...

and maybe we can start promoting more honesty about the pre-adoptive parent in training and waiting stage...

this pre-adoption phase is a unique gestational period with undefined parameters, ups and downs, questions, doubt, "oops," smiles, hopes, maybe's and "oh no's..."

However, this does not mean that I do not feel that my life is pretty gosh darn fantastically, miraculously, surprisingly grand...

So I thank the grand life of Jules that I am able to say and to show how:


I am not cheating at all when I tell you that all of the following happened in one single day of my life...Sunday, in fact,...


1. Saturday night to early Sunday we had a great impromptu party/wine tasting/game night/rock band experience with local friends and friends visiting for the weekend...surprisingly (no really - surprisingly), I was still up early to meet up with my mom and a couple of her friends for a nice and easy bike ride...

Shortly after this picture it started to rain so we went ahead and headed back home...

So we managed to get a nice leisurely hour and a half ride in...and that is always the best way to start a day...

2. Next we went to our local airport diner (think one room, rustic and charming - at least to me) to meet up with everyone from the night before for a big breakfast...and this living doll came along and spent the entire breakfast either by my side or on my lap...she is my new BFF...

3. After breakfast Alpha and I had talked to nephew Fish about maybe doing a game day since the weather was a bit dreary...but I have been itching to go up to the park...so we pulled out the chains, packed up warm clothes, snacks, hot tea, blankets, dogs, and headed up...

slowly the snow line started to appear...

then we get to heavy snow...

we went all the way up to the part of the park where you can witness something truly grand...

a regular general of grandness...

The best part of the trip is that these 2 wee ones get to run and frolic in the snow...

which they love...

fairly surprising for little dogs...

yet, they are bundled up with a base layer sweater and then parka...

Eleanor...being older, more experienced and frankly better at off-leash work is allowed (contrary to park rules) to explore...

Leonard stays on-leash until we get to an area where we do not have a bevy of international tourists and complicated snow drifts...

with El I know if she gets into a deep drift, she will work with me and we can get her out...

not so much with Leonard...with him I want the ability to follow the leash...

that is until we get on just the right trail...

and then he too is free...

as we were packing up to go back to the valley...

the clouds of snow blew in...

and we left the park...

driving in this grand snow globe...

winding back down to the valley...

back to the foothills...

back home before complete nightfall...

4. After the grand snow adventures of the day, we came home and Eva Luna (sister-in-law for those that don't know) was just pulling dinner out of the oven...

perfect timing...

and then...we had a grand dessert of Banana Flambe...

5. Followed with a great bottle of wine and a round of Scrabble...

I think that is a grand day...

which all contributes to this grand life...

as for the grand unveiling of tags...

I am re-tagging those that I tagged last time...

and will more than likely continue to do so...

until such tags are appropriately addressed...

the obligatory disclosure of rules for this tag follows:

By reading this post and finding your blog identified as tagged (hereafter, "Identified Blogger"), you have thereby entered into an irrevocable agreement effective the date of said reading to comply with the terms of said tag.

Filoli and Identified blogger desire to enter into this agreement to facilitate and further advance sense of blog community by participating with said tag.

Both Filoli and Identified Blogger recognize the privilege of a requesting blogger, the right of blogger to request and forward tag to another blogger.

Wherefore, the parties agree to the following terms and condition as hereinafter set forth:

Identified Blogger agrees to mention or reference in future post five (5) things, experiences, wines, people, stories, pictures, musical references, or verbs (perhaps even transitive verbs) that leave Identified Blogger feeling in general that "Life is Grand."

In said future post, Identified Blogger will identify at least, but not limited to, five (5) other blogs/bloggers to "tag" or otherwise identify as an individual selected to continue the tag. Identified Blogger may not effect said tag by generating references to "you" or "anyone reading this." It is understandable that Identified Blogger may be concerned about unidentified third party blog readers not identified as tagged feeling ill towards Identified Blogger.

Filoli does NOT agree to indemnify, defend, and hold Identified Blogger harmless from and against any and all liability, loss, expense or injury or damages arising out of performance of this tag.

This agreement of said tag is the entire understanding and agreement of the parties regarding its subject matter, and supersedes any prior oral or written agreements, representations, understandings or discussions between the parties. No other understanding between the parties will be binding on them unless set forth in writing, electronically signed in counterpart and attached in comment field below.

If any provision of this tag is determined to be illegal or unenforceable, that provision will be severed from this tag, and such severance will have no effect upon the enforceability of the remainder of this tag.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have executed this tag effective the date set forth above.

/s/Filoli

Identified Bloggers:

No Regrets

Speedbump

Confessions

Fascinating Life

Tri'ng Iron Trish

Little Ethiopia(n)

The Post You Are Not Supposed To Write

I am fairly sure that this is the post that you are never ever supposed to write. It is the post that alienates you even further from the world. It is the post where you are perhaps too honest about your life and what is going on with you. It is the post that in response people will sit back and silently judge you, your life and your choices. It is the post that I will probably delete in about 2 minutes.

I know that some of you are married to wildly sensitive, sweet and romantic men. They are the men that feel passionately about adoption and fatherhood. They are the men who seem to not worry or question they just love, pure and simple love. They embrace the idea of children and family without abandon, with no concerns, they are confident in the process and the decision.

You are married to that guy that everyone comments "your husband is so amazing...I can't believe he did that for you...oh, how sweet...ah..." In general you are married to this guy that other women (and probably if you are not too greatly offended your male gay friends as well) admire. Yeah for you. I am not jealous because I know that these relationships have their own challenges as well. It just so happens that both of my sister-in-laws are married to this very type of guy. So I get it.

I am not married to that guy.

My husband is sensitive and caring and passionate...but in a different way...and in a way that means he is often concerned and worried about decisions and the impact of those decisions. He is kind of guy that plays life and chess the same - never evaluating only the immediate move, but the series of moves necessary or impacted by that single isolated decision. Each move is evaluated as to how it will influence not only the rest of the game but also how it will influence other chess games.

In sum, there is a lot of thought.

This level of analysis is applied to everything from finances to choice of peanut butter.

I am not kidding.

Last night we had one of those adoption discussions that left me heaving and crying. I was left at one of those places where my tears were actually burning my face. If you haven't ever had a "my tears are acid against my skin" crys, then good for you - may you never experience it.

It was one of those conversations where I felt like maybe I accidentally walked through some time portal when I walked through the front door and I am living a conversation from over a year ago.

I struggle with my own self doubt about parenting. I question my abilities. I question the impact will have on my work on my free time (the annihilation of free time). I question the impact to my marriage.

I go through little scenarios...how am I going to coordinate working out...what will I not be able to do...should I just take kids with me when I ride...

I panic. What if my work suffers and my ass spreads and then I am an unemployed giant couch women ruining the lives of the children placed in my home?

or what if my work negatively impacts my husband's relationship with our children, our children and forecloses my ability to have a relationship with my children?

what is life about? what should your values be? how do you made a good decision when you have no idea what the outcome is on the other side?

is the life lesson here that I should learn to appreciate and be gracious as a childless couple?

what is wrong with me that the relationships with my nieces, nephews, and goddaughter are not enough for me? why do I feel this void and want my own children? what if I have a void because I am just the type of person that has voids?

I struggle not because "I don't want to be a mother" but because I don't want to be a mother if it is not the right decision...if it is not right for the grand world plan design.

and I share these things with my husband...

so why exactly I end up in a wet sopping heap of a mess when my husband attempts to communicate to me his doubts and concerns is beyond me.

why I am so self-indulgent to my own emotions that I can't respect his is not only disgusting to me but frankly irresponsible...

I fully understand that no one is supposed to talk about it...and that we are supposed to "be on the same page" and I get why this level of honesty confuses and disturbs social workers who are primarily concerned about the best interests of children...

but I feel like this is a reality of adoption for me...

I know both intellectually and actually that I am not alone in this experience...

I have a dear friend who to this day speaks of the twins they didn't take because her husband was too nervous about the birthmother, but they are still looking for a match...

everyone deals with the pains of this process differently...

some detach...

some seem ambivalent...

some of these conflicts and conversations are just part of the process...

adoption is a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong process

it is so loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong that the damn wait itself drives you mad with insecurity, the insecurity challenges your communication skills at times, it means that during a wait at times you are going to be on different highs and lows of this emotional roller coaster...

it means that you might say really dumb things...

like "I say we go for the sibling set and do another adoption for a boy next..."

which would probably concern a prospective parent that was just warming up to the idea of 1 child...

someone might want to interpret as "not the same page..."

it is pretty clearly not on the same page...

but life is more than a page...

life is a book...

this is sharing a life...

we struggled with this during fertility treatments...

and we struggle with it during adoption...

this intentionality...

this demand...

we do 'x' 'y' and 'z' and you give us a child...

that is uncomfortable...

it makes me feel unworthy, unprepared, and undeserving...

this is hard...

and it has stages...

it has ups and downs...

we press on...

we wait for the upswing...

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Absolutely Fabulous

• So, evidently there was a party over yonder where I lucky lil ole me won an award...
  
  

I feel as though my lifestyle is substantially less than the woman depicted in this award. Although I do have the small dog...my pups do not wear shades, but they do sport fabulous Anthropoligie sweaters...and that is truly fabulous...earlier I received this award from a fellow giant of spirit in yet another witty way that leaves me stammering...

Perhaps, I am more Absolutely Fabulous...come on, you know, what I mean...

All this talk of fabulous reminds me of almost every wine online buyer comment...I know I too have slipped into the bear trap of "faaaabulous..."


I think many a reviewer suffers from "Fabulous" Terets...and the end result is that you do not really know anything more afterwards...other than that their opinion of fabulous ranks this pretty darn high...


So if we are giving out awards for fabulousity...it should have some reference point...

Although, if you have a wine tasting like this...



it might be a bit difficult to fine tune your reference points for a wine...

So we could use the ever handy Filoli's Five Points to Fabulous:

1. Do you smell that?

No really, what do you smell...take in and do short sniffs...

Does it smell fruity?



Does it smell like you are trapped in a throng of smelly sweaty people?


Get in there and nose around, have No Regrets about it and answer whether it has a medicinal smell that you don't particularly care for?

2. How is that Body?

The body of a wine is the weight of the wine. Is it light, medium, full? Does it slip quickly across your tongue or does it linger and coat? A reference point is usually made to milk (think of a range between skim to half-and-half)...or you could describe it like bicycle tires...

Was it fast and smooth like a racing tire?

A unique mix of lightness but enough traction like a cyclocross tire?

Or did it have a fat whiskered mountain bike of a tire feel?

Think about how the wine moves...is it quick or are you dragging it across like this princess?



Understand that assessing the weight of a wine is not a reflection on quality or flavor...

It is just a necessary Speedbump that must be evaluated so that you can better pair your wines and not find yourself Confessing serving a heavy white wine with a light fish meal...

3. Mouthfeel'n It Up

Mouthfeel is slightly different than Body because when we are talking about mouthfeel we are talking about the texture of a wine - not the weight of the wine. Most often mouthfeel is described with references to fabric.

Is it as smooth and slick as a silk ribbon?

or is it bumpy and gritty like a grosgrain bow?

Do want to curl up in and cuddle in it like your favorite thick flannel blanket?

Is it fuzzy like angora yarn?

If you take time to highlight the mouthfeel you will allow your reader (or just yourself) to better understand the Fascinating Life of the wine.

4. Flavor-Fav

The basics of flavor are Sweet, Sour, Salty or Bitter. Remember that if it is a complex (better wine) it is going to smack you with variations and transitions.

For instance you may be swimming in Bitter for what seems like forever, transition through Sour, Sweetly cycle through rollers, hit a quick Salty transition, then float for miles in fruity sweetness to a beautiful finish.

So although it is frustrating to challenge yourself to see if you have the Iron to experience it - you should at least TRI once!

5. All the Colors

Okay, I know most tasting guides start with color. I say "no" do it last because most people look at color wrong anyway and it doesn't really give you too much insight (other than age) and it is best to tuck it away and savor it at the end of the tasting...like appreciating a glorious sunset at the end of a long ride...

Now when you are basking in the color of this amazing liquid light and earth creation floating in your sexy glass - DO NOT hold it up in the air above your head or against a light. You want to look down on it or across it at a 45 degree angle...and definitely against a white background...or fresh snow on a mountain begging you to ride...


All of this is so you can see the depth and true diversity of the blend or grape that rests in front of you...

think of this as a grand journey...

Does it remind you of a silk in India?

Is it inky with the sparkle of your Little Ethiopian's eyes?




So this was my lil tour of what I think is fabulous and how (and who) I think speak fabulously...

and if you happen to find yourself here...

or lucky enough to be running through vineyards here...

The Marathon des Chateaux du Medoc

You can say with great PRIDE, you know it is...




So for you the fabulous to continue...

Here are the rules to receiving this award:

You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous bloggers in a post.

You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

(Mine are here you just have to look...no list for you...you tell me what my addictions are...how's that...)

You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.

Cheers!

This is Me

Since I am short on time today, I will respond to a comment...

This is me (on the left) outside one of my most favorite places...

This is me inside favored place with best friend, Furthermost...

This is me with my amazing goddaughter...

This is me tired and ready to go back to the hotel in Vegas...


This is me at Furthermost's wedding

apparently lifting a 45 pound bouquet...


This is me with glasses and sister, Ninjhey...

This is me not happy that I have to get up so early to race...

This is me sick at a race

swearing that the banana will heal me...

This is me when the banana did not prove effective...

This is me at my first long distance triathlon...

This is me with a rat and a normal size person...

I am not so tall...

This is me sprinting to best a previous time...

This is me with husband, Alpha,

with evidently a menu growing out of my face...

This is Alpha and I being called out

at a friend's wedding to provide marriage advice...

Notice no one looks particularly interested...

This is our advice...

This is me.