Friday Feature

This is Blondie. A very unique and unusual horse of course.

My brother-in-law (hereafter, Shepard, because of his amazing personality) went out to a ranch a while back and they offered up this sweet horse at a pretty good deal because she was barren. Shepard brings back the horse and I just fall in love. I love riding this horse and kept talking about what an interesting cantor and trot she had...that it was this perfect mix of mare and stallion...she wasn't freaked out by water, handled stress fairly well, interacted well with the mustang...in general really liked her.

One day we went on a long ride and picnic to take the new horse out...and I was riding the beauty...we spent the day Shepard, husband, and mother-in-law (Mils, until I come up with a better blog name for her) trying to come up with names for the new horse.

We all agreed that young nephew Fish would not be naming this horse because he was still very much at that stage where the mustang was named "Mustang," llama named "Llama," bull named "Bull," - you get the picture...

During the ride we came up with a pretty long list of lame names and none of us were particularly sold on any of them. After we stopped for lunch, cheese and the mandatory red wine we continued to discuss what to name this creature. Somewhere and somehow we became focused (and it was probably me) on how it should be a name that reflects her amazing gold coloring. This sent us into another grocery list of lame names like Marilyn, etc...very lame...

Out of nowhere my husband says "Blondie" - "you can name her after that famous porn that everyone made fun of me for not knowing...On Golden Blonde or something like that..." Since you do not know my husband you probably cannot fully grasp how insanely funny and bizarre it is for him to throw out a porn title. Confessions of Real Mom and Speedbump can attest to the rarity. See my husband is a wee bit of a square - so his suggestion to name this horse after a porn became instantly perfect to Shepard and I - and just like that she was Blondie. Mils hated the name...hated the back story...and kept trying to talk us into other names - all efforts failed.

Now for some reason Mils and Shepard are pretty much always engaged in this intrafamily transfer of horses. At some point, Shepard traded Blondie with Mils. Responsible horse owner Mils has the ferrier (horse guy) come out to see her horses and Blondie. Ferrier lifts up Blondie's tail, peers around the back end and asks "notice something missing on your horse?" Mils responds, "No." Ferrier dryly states, "your horse has no vagina...your horse is a hermaphrodite." (Yes...yes, that would explain why the horse was "barren.")

At this moment, Mils decides that the horse must immediately be renamed Vagina - because then she would have one...and that is why I LOVE and ADORE my mother-in-law...passionately - truly, madly, deeply love this woman...

Husband and husband's stepfather - mortified, appalled, disgusted...hate the name, really hate the name, can't stand it...and are in general thoroughly annoyed. All of this is just fuel for the fire for Mils and I because now there are just so many ways to slip her name into to all conversation all the time..."I am going to take Vagina out for a ride this afternoon..." (hee, hee, hee)..."Vagina is pretty narrow and may need a custom saddle..." (snort)...my personal favorite, "Vagina almost stepped on my foot today when I was feeding her...so I kicked Vagina hard..."(this still cracks me up)...

Every single time we would mention Vagina's name...my husband would writhe in physical pain, disgusted, sick to his stomach - it was awesome...eventually (but after a fair amount of time to truly enjoy the experience) we went back to calling her Blondie. This brought much peace to husband and peace is a good thing...and eventually Blondie came back from Mils (another long story dealing with what I felt were uptight overly conservative and judgmental Arabian horses picking on her)...and now this wonderful anatomical freak of nature is back with us...

so this is Blondie - and I thought you might enjoy meeting such an interesting horse on a Friday afternoon.

Hmmm....I wonder if I am going to get that "adult content" disclaimer for this post. Oh well, it is funny to me...and I think it is a perfect Friday afternoon story. If you are offended, I do apologize, but I still find it quite funny and I request you keep all hate to yourself.

Thank you!