Claiming our own sun

Now that we have officially informed all of our family, I am comfortable sharing that dear husband ("DH") and I are formally and completely done with all fertility treatments. We cancelled our October cycle and are fully committed to adoption. But this isn't an easy transition for me. I do not feel that it is because I am somewhat clinging to the possibilities of an IVF cycle, but rather I think most of my fear is premised on this horrible mind numbing beat down that I have endured for years that results in me feeling, in general, inadequate, unprepared and fundamentally flawed. The failure of the elusive 2 pink lines to a successful pregnancy leaves me with this sinking feeling that somehow someway I will fail adoption as well. As though, when I put our entire lives in writing and submit our application someone is going to look at it and say "that pee stick was right - no way - no kids for you."

Here is the deal...and maybe this is simply part I in Filoli's Grand Fertility Adventure Closure - I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 19. By 21 I had multiples procedures to deal with it. My OB/GYN who I just loved was very frank with me that I would more than likely have considerable challenges. Years go by, I move and travel, end up seeing other doctors, the pain continues, ebbs and flows...I end up with a doctor who is helping me with acupuncture and she starts sharing with me that my problems seem very much like her problems and they ended up adopting. She shares openly and honestly with me about her challenges, procedures, and ultimately their journey towards adopting their children. At this point in my life, I was 100% comfortable and excited about adoption. I felt like it was a unique blessing. I was young and carefree but met my husband soon after that...

So then I meet my husband and go through what we all go through which is that amazing awestruck love and passion for your husband and all of the sudden feel a deep connection with this man that you want to build a life with...you want a family...you want to continue their genius...you want the world to continue to feel the grace and love of this individual for generations to come...

DH and I discussed openly my medical problems and talked about adoption...we were excited about this as a life option...and then life happened...

We went through some challenging and rough times. We lost DH's dad suddenly and quickly to lung cancer. Soon after his father's death, DH's aunt was diagnosed with cancer as well. During her battle with cancer, I was shocked to my core when I was sitting one day at the office and I received a call that my best friend from undergrad died in a plane accident with her husband and children. We lost DH's aunt eventually to cancer and then in a blink of an eye his uncle was diagnosed with cancer and passed away as well.

But life wasn't done throwing our family curve balls, on a Christmas morning as we waited for DH's step-sister to come over to celebrate the holiday, we were visited by a sheriff and found she had slipped away from us as well. But more was in store...one of DH's best friends who lived with him for years and was a co-conspirator in a million adventures (one of my favorites was his anti-war protest before the Iraq war where they spelled out "think" with a bunch of white crosses in a valley for tourists to see). He stopped to take a picture of a moose, got back in his car, drove along and then crashed his car into another moose - just like that he was gone from us. Painfully and suddenly gone from us.

Then we lost a dear sweet friend to a stroke - who could imagine that someone under 30 could have a stroke - but she did and we all lost, the world lost one more smile, one more amazing person...and then there was the call that DH's other best friend, affectionately now referred to as Speedbump, (Confession's husband) was hit by a car. Speedbump being tough, fierce and probably just so damn stubborn was able to survive - and now has a beautiful little girl, a D-day and a new birthday. Speedbump pulling through was and still feels like one of those great and amazing blessings in our lives - I am tearing up - so I can't talk about this anymore...

My point is this - somewhere in dealing with death we began to cherish life in new and profound ways...and one way was the idea of having children. I think I felt pressure to try because DH's dad talked to both DH and I about continuing his name and the importance of family. Our desire to have a family wasn't predicated on one simple thing, rather it was the result of many joyful and precious moments that left us wanting and willing to pursue a family...but it wasn't easy...and we went through fertility treatments and then miscarriages...and then new diagnoses and possible misdiagnosis...and then new factors and troubles...

May 15th was and will be one of those dates that I will remember forever. On that date, I was able to see the continued havoc endometriosis was wreaking on my body despite surgeries and efforts to stop it. Scar tissue had significantly remodeled my body and when the radiologist, nurses and technicians audibly gasped at the image, and then quickly tried to hide their reactions - I knew in that moment, that it was over and this would be the closest thing I would ever get to an ultrasound...and I remember thinking that where everyone else has those fuzzy ultrasound pictures that I embarassingly cannot discern, I had this, and it was just as important and just as much gestational to any child we would have.

From that moment the tuning fork of my soul kept centering me on adoption - and oddly, Ethiopia. I don't know how to articulate and describe (or can even really pretend to understand why) but that is where my soul started to feel at home...and that is what we started to talk about.

Although I travel with DH he is still always very much on his own journey (which is one of my favorite things about marriage) and he went through his own process. We did continue some efforts over the summer but as we were gearing up for this October cycle we suddenly realized that for both of us this cycle was a much more expensive and invasive Gift of the Magi story and neither of us really wanted this - it wasn't who we are or what we wanted and both of our souls have traveled to a place that focused exclusively on adoption.

This does not mean that I am overwhelmed with confidence and without any inhibitions or concerns. I think more than anything I just wanted to get out of my head (where most of these thoughts are circling) this new focus, because I think I need to speak it and write it to fully embrace it and move on.

DH's mother asked me if DH and I talked about why continuing the family name was important to DH's dad. She said that it was about starting something new - a clean and fresh start, new possibilities and a new future. I now think we have found in adoption that we are truly fulfilling that family legacy and dream.