Haleakala

In Maui, you can do this amazing thing

you get up painfully early (particularly for vacation)

and it is dark

and cold

and you drive up this volcano

you hike up past the clouds

and then you wait

you wait for the sunrise

you wait to be in the House of the Sun

you are standing waiting for the light

in the dark and cold you just wait for the light

the clouds are below you

and you think

maybe we will miss it

maybe it won't come

the clouds are too dense

too heavy

how could the sun rise through this

and then it does.

The light spills upward

and outward towards your body.

You are in the House of the Sun,

standing on the welcome mat.

This is how I feel.

I feel like we have been waiting in the cold and dark night

for a very long time.

I have been unsure, uneasy

and uncomfortable.

Friday we met with the oncologist.

I liked him.

He let me ask many questions

and that is always endearing to me.

He asked what websites we were looking at for information.

He wanted to know if we had looked at

Susan G. Komen

Breast Cancer.Org

or

American Cancer Society.

We said "yes."

But then I mentioned that I was also researching in the medical library.

He laughed, "that is a lot of information."

I said, "particularly when I looked at the Norwegian studies."

Alpha states matter of factly, "she researches obsessively...

they both do."

From that point on I felt like we had the first real conversation,

it felt like the first time we could talk, ask questions, get answers

and better understand what is going on.

Today we do not have any evidence of metastasis.

That is great news.

Wednesday is a surgical consult at UCSF.

That is great news.

Everyone is starting to actually sleep at night.

That is great news.

We are starting to plan a "Ta ta to the Ta-Ta" party.

Our plan is an all women no children event

with a disgusting amount of pink.

We give everyone breast self exam cards.

We talk openly and honestly.

I am hunting down a fake boob with sample tumor sizes

that you can feel and practice and understand better.

Instead of 'pin the tail on the donkey'

we will have 'who can find the smallest tumor.'

We try to find a way to rejoice,

to laugh

to smile

to face this head on

with confidence

that this too is surmountable

that the darkness will be parted

by the morning light.

and we will stand

together

in the house of the sun.


Benditos los que moran en ti

que siempre te alaban

cuya fuerza esta en ti

en Dios esta tu corazon,

iremos de poder en poder

hasta al fin tu rostro ver,

bendice hoy,

porque tu eres santo

porque tu,

bendito.

Blessed.