Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

Welcome to the randomness which is my thought process today.

The following is a list of thoughts and things that you probably do not need to know or care about, but I feel like I if I get it out of my head, then my whole world will be better:

• Remember Blondie? Well she had an infection in her eye and I pretty much wrote her off and then surprisingly and amazingly she is healed and back to her "normal" self. We have been "mowing" lately which means that we shut the front gate and the horses are just allowed to roam around the house. Blondie is cracking me up because she is following me around the house from the outside. I go to bed and she is pressed against the wall with her nose against the bedroom window screen. I go to the kitchen and she is staring at me through the glass doors waiting on me to let the dogs out. Just hanging around, looking at me, letting me know she is ready for a trail.

• The plans for the "Ta ta to the Ta-Ta" party are moving forward. This morning I received an email that said "the lump kit is on my kitchen table." I let out an audible gasp of excitement at the news. This is my world...excitement over a fake boob with sample tumor sizes for a party...excitement over the words "lump kit." Sweet.

• On the cancer front, things are looking so much better...in an odd way, and she is feeling great and super positive which is even more bizarre when I say that they are now looking at the possibility of a double mastectomy and removing the ovaries. I teased her saying "the lengths you will go to for birth control is a bit extreme."

• Back to the party, I was thinking about some fun foods. Like, making a smore type delight with graham crackers and calling it "Mammo-grahams." Given the ovary issue, we could have "Deviled Ovaries" for deviled eggs. I need more ideas and if you have them, then lay it on me. You can not, repeat NOT, go too far with me.

• I am starting to run again now that I am officially getting better from the bizarre picture hanging injury. Really - that was so insane. Unfortunately, when I run it feels like my limbs are turning to lead. I am PAINFULLY slow and every step is a challenge. I am struggling with feeling my form. I went on a hilly 8 miler run/walk with a friend after the diagnosis week. I pushed through it. I have since been trying to just get out and do my weeknight 5ks and 5 milers. Of course, it is still dark early but now I just head out anyway. I have found I really enjoy running in the pitch black and sometimes feel even safer. But I am running so freaking Slooooooooow....hate it.

• Tuesday we had another meeting with our social worker for the home study. I think I could confidently say it went well if we all ignore the fact that at one point I was talking about my love of lesbian music, I complained about some of the marketing materials the agency uses to elicit interest for folks to look into adoption or foster care...oh and Leonard the 4 lb scoundrel escaped, ran down the street and satisfied his animal urges on a neighbor's rat terrier. So, yeah...great...this is definitely going well.

• Following the home study, I decided that I should go for a run after eating chili verde and having a beer. At mile 2.7 chili verde said "hello."

• We are going to have to completely - I mean completely change the fence and gate around the pool. This means buying a new fence - awesome. It is not just the cost but the whole installation part that has me stressed because I know that the guys are going to want to do it and with the cancer crisis and all it just seems a bit much. Oh, and we have our gym with a sliding glass door to the pool (the property sounds much nicer in print then when you actually see it - ask Cazadora)...anyway, the door from the gym to the pool is evidently borderline child abuse so we have to a) remove the door completely and wall it in, or b) permanently attach a barricade outside the door so that it cannot be opened.

• Periodically my inner green monster crazy infertile woman (hereafter CIW) gets really upset and attempts to poison me with feelings of isolation and pain. For instance, here we are in a family health crisis and we have no children, no family...someone will look at the kids and talk about the brightness that they bring to all of the stress...and CIW freaks out and gets all upset and feels disconnected and lost, and attempts to trick me into thinking that there is some expansive deep void in my chest that might just split open and swallow me up.

• CIW is truly annoying. I don't like her. She is wrong.

• CIW is also very noisy when we go through home study interviews and they start pressing me about my medical history, family background and job. I need to find a muzzle for her.

• Work is really stressing me out right now.

• I have a ride tomorrow (on a bike) and I can't decide to do the 25 miler, 45 miler or 65 miler. My mom wants me to do the 25 miler with her but that just seems too short and almost frustrating. The 45 miler would be a nice challenge...but the idea of a 65 miler when you are painfully unprepared for the distance is teasing me...I am torn, do I go easy and pleasant; challenge and good work out; or painful but you press through and do it (ugly but do it) kind of ride. Really do not know what to do here...

• I broke down during 30 Rock last night when they showed the clip from Harry and the Hendersons. Clearly my hormones are out. of. control.

• We are in the very early stages of looking at a sibling set right now. Pretty seriously - I should be over the moon. I am not. Julia's post pretty sums up some of this stress. Plus, I worry that this is just not the right time, I am scared that it is not a right match, I am petrified that maybe I am pushing something forward that is not good for either of us. Also dealing with fost-adopt red tape is a NIGHTMARE...that and I am fairly certain that at any moment the social workers are going to turn to us and say "Filoli, maybe motherhood is not for you..." I keep thinking when we meet them...if we meet them, maybe then we might know or feel something - right now everything feels abstract, intellectual, invasive and painful. Right after throwing myself the world's grandest pity party I remind myself that I am not 5 years old, my mother's parental rights were not terminated, my world is not in limbo and no one is going to force me to leave my foster family that I love and feel safe with at this time. Can I get an oy vey?

• I want a new bike...if I had a new bike I would definitely do the 65 miler.

• One of my dear angel friends called me the other night and talked me into a triathlon in May. So, I need to get back to the pool if I am going to swim over a mile in open water in 8 weeks. I am so glad that she has me doing this. I haven't registered for any events this year because I felt so topsy turvy with the adoption stuff. I must be starting to crack from the lack of an event to train for because even last week Alpha (husband) mentions that if I don't pick something out - then he will.

• I need to focus. I need to let go. I need to move on. I need to know that it will be okay.

• According to google, I need a visit to the bunny planet, private support, help, cash for exploration, an intern, our prayers and a lake.

• I definitely need a lake to get ready for May. Thank you, google.

• Yesterday at lunch I laughed out loud so hard and suddenly that I started to tear up and see stars. I love that. Why isn't there more of that?

Oh, and here is a sampling of music that has been lazily circling my mind. You don't have to listen, but I am not going to pretend that it won't hurt my feelings if you skip it.

See - CIW rears her ugly head again.

Enjoy - or not...

Seriously how do you put up with me?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

* Really, really, blogger, you are going to screw with the playlist...fine, it is over in the sidebar...really.

* Additional Random Thought: I feel trapped bouncing between feelings of Tereza and Sabina...will I ever feel like Tomas?