Reflections While Eating Lunch at Desk

I feel as though I have been trying to live underwater a bit lately. Not so long ago I didn't feel all that hot...thought something was a bit off. Turned out I had strep throat because evidently I am still 10 years old. As I was coming off my antibiotics I started to feel odd again. I thought surely it is just the medication leaving my system. Nope. I ended up catching a cold. I had huge work projects that needed to be completed so I consumed large amounts of OTC cold medicine and pressed on. Then I experienced the head on collision of this cold ramming squarely into my body. There was no more denying the existence of sickness...and I was laid out - again!


I am extremely frustrated with my immune system at this time. Presently, I am struggling with continued coughs and my voice coming in and out. So lovely, so professional, so freaking tired...


On the adoption front (is it a front?), we continue to press forward. We are hunting down documents and tying down loose ends. (Turns out we received some other couple's marriage certificate - not ours.) We are going through a ton of paperwork and self-surveys. But you know the game...


Regarding the homestudy - home inspection is proving to be a bit of a challenge...


Now we are scheduling a pre-home inspection for things to be evaluated prior to the inspection. In general there are concerns about fences (or lack of fences),
the proximity of animals to our houses (this touches on the fence issue again),welding materials on the property, the inability to "adequately secure the shop," when are we going to finish the siding on the house, when are we going to finish the decks, um...there is a finish theme developing...


We need to get cabinets up in our laundry/pantry room. My plan was that this would be our locked area and I could just throw cleaning supplies, medicines, and knives into those cabinets. But, the guy that did our kitchen cabinets is injured and may not be able to do them. This means I could buy something cheap and just throw it up - BUT we have such a small house and I think the inconsistency could quite possibly drive me mad. Particularly if I am living with the inconsistency for months or a year (or more) waiting on the child(ren) that said cabinets are allegedly protecting. Patience is not my long suit.


Also, I feel like since this young man has successfully navigated his life to a whopping 16 months without any incident inside or outside of my home that this is evidence of a safe home.

Yes, that is the wee one walking the wee Leonard. The new favorite thing around these parts is to take Leonard for a walk up and down the property. This activity is rivaled only by walking around endlessly brushing his teeth. For those of you that know and love Alpha, I am sure you are quick to recognize the family trait...

Of the 9 parent training modules that you must complete to be certified for placement (aka PRIDE classes), we have now successfully completed 6 sessions. This leaves one final day of classes. I have many things to say about the PRIDE experience but it has been suggested that I perhaps do not want to blog about those issues - even semi-anonymously.

We will see if I can manage that...

I will say that my fiercely logical, rational and attentive husband mentioned in passing to me at one of our few yet much needed breaks in the middle of our last 9 hour training day "I think there is something wrong with my hands, I need to get to a computer and look up the significance of the ratio difference between the ring finger and index finger...my hands are very different from others..." Uh, Alpha started contemplating palmistry during training...this still makes me laugh...

As a result of PRIDE classes I have the following things swimming in my brain:

I am obsessed (even more so than ever before) with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). When you look at symptoms or exhibitions of struggling with attachment issues, I start seeing them everywhere...in myself, in my family, and I am starting to wonder if for some although you don't have RAD you can still have some attachment issues. I don't believe you have to experience abuse or neglect to pick up some of these issues. I am also starting to wonder if dealing with fertility issues (still can't really write it with "in") you experience loss that lends itself to attachment issues.

Melissa Faye Green (I know...you want me to put an homage before the name) once commented in a question and answer period following a reading in San Francisco that those that suffer from infertility are "really the walking wounded." This comments haunts me. It has felt like a goat's head under the saddle that I just can't dislodge. My initial response was "NO!" This became..."maybe for some...but not all of us..." I loathe the image. This idea that as life goes forward you are forever bleeding and somehow not healthy or whole is infuriating to me. Why can't we be merely scarred...the walking scars...no chuck that...how about those that are adopting that have dealt with infertility bring a unique set of life experiences that may enhance the adoptive family...

As I sat during hours of attachment disorder classes, I started to see parallels between the children shuttling back and forth through the system and the struggles and invasive nature of fertility treatment. (I am not minimizing the pain and trauma to children - just noticed similarities in responses in myself and people I love and care about). My point is this - I never wanted to be classified by someone else as "walking wounded" and yet felt somehow chained unwillingly to this description. (I know I need another damn disclaimer here - I understand that MFG's response was perhaps reflexive and not representative of her opinion now or then...don't get your hackles up...)

One of the key mandates of PRIDE beyond "engage in therapeutic parenting" is that we need to become the loss managers for the children. We talk a lot about loss...I mean a lot...so much so that you find yourself sitting around thinking "we shouldn't be adopting...we should be only a foster family and do everything to assist the birth family to move towards successful family reunification..." We spend hours talking about the permanent loss of culture, identity, [insert anything you would desperately fight for your child to have] once the relationship with the birth family is severed.

I know - you are thinking, come on, Filoli, it is sometimes best to sever those relationships. Uh...yeah, I totally agree. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing this...My point is that you are emotionally slapped repeatedly for hours about the loss your children will experience if ever placed permanently with you. Like we don't know that. Like we don't get that. Like we don't feel horrible about that. So now are we the walking wounded...I don't know...

As I said to Alpha, what irritates me most...maybe that is the wrong choice of words...what frustrates me is that for families that experience family from the blossom of pregnancy to the spring of birth your child enters your home and life with trumpets of joy and thanksgiving.

I have always known that expanding our family by adoption required a loss for our child.

That never escaped me...I knew that...but it isn't the reason why you don't adopt...it is just a different challenge.

You know how the wonderful and insightful Julie Our Lady of Waiting (homage necessary) will reference the grief stages and apply it from time to time to adoption. If not, go check it out.

I love her posts (as does everyone else buckled into this roller coaster) because it is nice to see someone address it so honestly and openly. To have those emotions in black and white is not empowering but healing.

Of course, in PRIDE we talk about these stages as it relates to placement of foster children and adoption. What struck me this weekend is the categories of loss the grief cycle is predicated on for each individual. The loss is categorized as one of Health, Self-Esteem, Significant Person or a combination of categories. The drop-an-anvil-on-your-head subtlety of the classes is that for the children up for placement the loss is broad and often encompasses all categories of loss and management of such a loss requires approaches and interventions to address each unique nuance of loss.

It occurs to me how dealing with fertility has been an experience of loss in all of these categories as well. Perhaps, I am the walking wounded and dealing with these issues and managing these losses better prepares me for managing loss for our children.

My point is I don't have a point. I don't have an operative thesis that I am attempting to advance. I am not championing myself as witty or insightful...I just have thoughts that are scattered, confusing, overwhelming and sometimes (perhaps often) self-defeating.

I wish I could sit down and write pithy essays about adoption, about loss, about choice, about attachment, about doubt, about faith, about me, about you, about us...

but I can't.

because I am just sitting at my desk eating lunch sinking in reflection.