Circling

We circle.

This is what we do.

We circle.

This is from a friend's friend's funeral.

A surfer's funeral.

Where they all paddle out,
on their own boards,
on their own strength,
to face their own waves,
their own tides,
their own splash of salt in the face,
their own thrill,
their own struggle,

and then, they circle

and

[reflect]
[pray]
[inspire]
[mourn]
[praise]

and

be together in this one place

as one community,

yet so profoundly

on their own,

and will ride their own wave,

back to shore,
back to sand,
back to today.


I have no idea why I find this image so damn profound right now.

For some reason,

right now,

when I think of Eva Luna
and this blasted
"breast cancer back again" and
promises that you will never do chemo again
are broken

and

now

new treatments,
new plans,
new diversions,
new options,
new hopes,
new expectations,

are now part of this line
back to shore.

I think about this circle

and it makes me smile.

It reminds me,
to paddle out,
but also
to ride the wave.

I have really missed you.

I just need to paddle out from time to time.

Back Again

I really have nothing new to say,
other than trying to get back into the habit again.

As for my life goals for self-improvement,
(exercise, diet, less/no alcohol, etc.)
I have not improved at all or taken any measurable step towards such goals.

So.

I just finished a short day.
(11 hours)

And I am debating grabbing a beer...
or yoga
or gym
or something high-brow like cable television.

My money is on inactivity, but we will see.

We will see.

Transcending

Are you there, blog, it's me Filoli

So.

Things have been busy - too busy -
too busy...

too busy, indeed,

again, I say, so;

let's see,

since we last spoke

I have changed jobs twice
and we have moved once

things are different
very different
and for the most part in wonderful ways:

it is still just the 2 of us,
or 4 of us if you count the blessed, four-legged ones;

so

in some ways
things are very much the same;

this brings me to the unlikely scenario
that brings me to this odd feeling that it is

indeed

time to chat a bit

again, I say, so,

so

I just thought it would be best to let you know

since you were so wonderful last time

and I think you deserve to know

that unfortunately

the most amazing, gracious, and wonderful Eva Luna

is no longer in remission

and we are

she is

unfortunately

forced to fight cancer

once again

so what happened?

here is the situation:

(highlights if you will)

so

the Monday after a Saturday service to celebrate

our beloved uncle's wonderful life

lost to cancer

Eva Luna had one of her standing mammograms

this is simply part of the follow-up

unfortunately,

very unfortunately,

they identified a mass or swollen lymph node that concerned them

this resulted in a fine needle biopsy scheduled for Friday

this should not be a big deal

we have had a couple of times since the first round where things are identified and they biopsy and we all eventually exhale deeply when we hear that this was merely an exercise of extreme caution and "all is well, all is well."

but

unfortunately

this time

the biopsy identified 2 other suspicious masses for additional review

the results

adenocarcinoma

again

so

back to surgery to remove the masses (or lymph nodes)

and additional exploration and removal, as indicated

result:

21 lymph nodes removed

1 mass (may or may not be an overtaken lymph node)

Stage 4(ish - given mystery mass that may or may not be a lymph node) Cancer

good news:

we still have a curative option

and will be pursuing it

bad news:

there is no way to scream fuck loud enough to change this reality

the real bad news:

poor, sweet, amazing and teary-eyed Eva Luna must do chemo again

and that fucking sucks

really fucking sucks

so

fuck

this time

things are more advanced

more problematic

we didn't manage to clear even 3 years

Please see the aforementioned, fuck.

Fuck.

substantially more activity in the lymph nodes

(including thoracic node activity)

and, well... fuck

chemo, radiation oncology, hysterectomy and 10 more years of hopefully this time successful hormone therapy

yippee

(sarcasm for fuck)

also

the new rules:

no alcohol

no sugar

no white breads and such

yippee

in response

I have eaten like crap

absolute crap

and alcohol

well... let's just say that Corona has earned a byline for today as well

when does all of this brave new exciting action start

March 22

another MRI

chemo-teach

a port

and the first of 6 cycles of chemo

yip-fucking-ee

so

here is the deal

I am thinking that I need to do the following:

figure out how to do a pre-treatment healthy ass eating dinner party

to celebrate life and the amazing blessing of Eva Luna

in addition to

a bit of a pep rally of sort

that Ms. Eva Luna can indeed kick this bullshit cancer's ass

so

I need to

(a) quit drinking so damn much

(b) lose an effing 10-13 lbs

(c) exercise

(d) exercise

(e) seriously, exercise -preferably yoga

(f) get a damn mammogram for myself - for good measure

(g) get back to focus at work

(h) focus, focus, and focus (see a-g)

so

that is what is going on

my apologies for radio silence

I just didn't really know what to say before because it all seemed so damn much the same

still just us

still just carrying on

still just trying to be

now

still just trying to be

with one more hurdle

so

we can do this

I think

Eva Luna can do this

will do this

we will do this

and

all will be well

all will be well

all will be well

well indeed.

She Needs a Pep Talk

Handsome

Citzens United

For those tired of political or random posts, I apologize.

Indeed these are odd times.

I wonder how as an individual I can accept my own resposibility for this current climate and seek to correct it. What can I do differently? How can I hold the process more accountable?

I try to spend every dollar knowing that it is in effect "my vote" to corporate America.

But I wonder what else can I do?

I still remember this,

"In the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it."
- Barack Obama, February 10, 2007 Presidential announcement.


Here is a link to one of the more important Dissenting Opinions of our time.

As Laurence Tribe writes, "There is no doubt that Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission marks a major upheaval in First Amendment law and signals the end of whatever legitimate claim could otherwise have been made by the Roberts Court to an incremental and minimalist approach to constitutional adjudication, to a modest view of the judicial role vis-à-vis the political branches, or to a genuine concern with adherence to precedent."


Some highlights of the dissent by Justice Stevens for you to cruise through, if you so wish:

"The basic premise underlying the Court’s ruling is its iteration, and constant reiteration, of the proposition that the First Amendment bars regulatory distinctions based on a speaker’s identity, including its “identity” as a corporation. While that glittering generality has rhetorical appeal, it is not a correct statement of the law. Nor does it tell us when a corporation may engage in electioneering that some of its shareholders oppose. It does not even resolve the specific question whether Citizens United may be required to finance some of its messages with the money in its PAC. The conceit that corporations must be treated identically to natural persons in the political sphere is not only inaccurate but also inadequate to justify the Court’s disposition of this case.

In the context of election to public office, the distinction between corporate and human speakers is significant. Although they make enormous contributions to our society, corporations are not actually members of it. They cannot vote or run for office. Because they may be managed and controlled by nonresidents, their interests may conflict in fundamental respects with the interests of eligible voters. The financial resources, legal structure, and instrumental orientation of corporations raise legitimate concerns about their role in the electoral process. Our lawmakers have a compelling constitutional basis, if not also a democratic duty, to take measures designed to guard against the potentially deleterious effects of corporate spending in local and national races.

...

Faced with this gaping empirical hole, the majority throws up its hands. Were we to confine our inquiry to Citizens United’s as-applied challenge, it protests, we would commence an “extended” process of “draw(ing), and then redraw(ing), constitutional lines based on the particular media or technology used to disseminate political speech from a particular speaker.” Ante , at 9. While tacitly acknowledging that some applications of §203 might be found constitutional, the majority thus posits a future in which novel First Amendment standards must be devised on an ad hoc basis, and then leaps from this unfounded prediction to the unfounded conclusion that such complexity counsels the abandonment of all normal restraint. Yet it is a pervasive feature of regulatory systems that unanticipated events, such as new technologies, may raise some unanticipated difficulties at the margins. The fluid nature of electioneering communications does not make this case special. The fact that a Court can hypothesize situations in which a statute might, at some point down the line, pose some unforeseen as-applied problems, does not come close to meeting the standard for a facial challenge.

...

The final principle of judicial process that the majority violates is the most transparent: stare decisis . I am not an absolutist when it comes to stare decisis , in the campaign finance area or in any other. No one is. But if this principle is to do any meaningful work in supporting the rule of law, it must at least demand a significant justification, beyond the preferences of five Justices, for overturning settled doctrine. “(A) decision to overrule should rest on some special reason over and above the belief that a prior case was wrongly decided.” Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pa. v. Casey , 505 U. S. 833, 864 (1992) . No such justification exists in this case, and to the contrary there are powerful prudential reasons to keep faith with our precedents.

...

The novelty of the Court’s procedural dereliction and its approach to stare decisis is matched by the novelty of its ruling on the merits. The ruling rests on several premises. First, the Court claims that Austin and McConnell have “banned” corporate speech. Second, it claims that the First Amendment precludes regulatory distinctions based on speaker identity, including the speaker’s identity as a corporation. Third, it claims that Austin and McConnell were radical outliers in our First Amendment tradition and our campaign finance jurisprudence. Each of these claims is wrong.

...

Today’s decision is backwards in many senses. It elevates the majority’s agenda over the litigants’ submissions, facial attacks over as-applied claims, broad constitutional theories over narrow statutory grounds, individual dissenting opinions over precedential holdings, assertion over tradition, absolutism over empiricism, rhetoric over reality. Our colleagues have arrived at the conclusion that Austin must be overruled and that §203 is facially unconstitutional only after mischaracterizing both the reach and rationale of those authorities, and after bypassing or ignoring rules of judicial restraint used to cabin the Court’s lawmaking power. Their conclusion that the societal interest in avoiding corruption and the appearance of corruption does not provide an adequate justification for regulating corporate expenditures on candidate elections relies on an incorrect description of that interest, along with a failure to acknowledge the relevance of established facts and the considered judgments of state and federal legislatures over many decades.

In a democratic society, the longstanding consensus on the need to limit corporate campaign spending should outweigh the wooden application of judge-made rules. The majority’s rejection of this principle “elevate(s) corporations to a level of deference which has not been seen at least since the days when substantive due process was regularly used to invalidate regulatory legislation thought to unfairly impinge upon established economic interests.” Bellotti , 435 U. S., at 817, n. 13 (White, J., dissenting). At bottom, the Court’s opinion is thus a rejection of the common sense of the American people, who have recognized a need to prevent corporations from undermining self-government since the founding, and who have fought against the distinctive corrupting potential of corporate electioneering since the days of Theodore Roosevelt. It is a strange time to repudiate that common sense. While American democracy is imperfect, few outside the majority of this Court would have thought its flaws included a dearth of corporate money in politics."

Random Lists and Links and Stuff

1. A suggested State of the Union address.

2. Jon Stewart and Elizabeth Warren - I heart thee.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Elizabeth Warren
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

3. White House Correspondent's Dinner will be hosted by Jay Leno - not Conan? Granted I am sure that the terms for Conan's departure probably would have defined this engagement as an "event." BUT given Conflict of Law analysis, the execution of the settlement agreement in California (not friendly to non-competes) I think his team of legal eagles could have worked it out. Of all the people that I would love to see at this dinner, Conan and his recent tour of multi-million dollar backroom deals and insulated executives would be my top pick. So Leno is going to host. Is it just me or does this seem like the ultimate corporate self-congratulatory move of all freaking time? Oh crap - I am going to lose my mind and become a female Michael Moore (but skinnier).

4. Fareed Zakaria's article "Don't Panic" is interesting and worth the read. As is this.

5. Yoga Buffet? Thoughts?

6. Andrew Sullivan's Pass.The.Damn.Bill series is good. (I no longer think he is on the computer all day - I think he is in the computer.)

7. In the land of Biggest Loser, I was ready to watch Green go! It was way too much victim and don't-cry drama for me. As for Red Team/Melissa, do you really think a lawyer on television is going to admit to lying, Bob and Jillian? Come on?!? If you don't care how they play the game, then don't care. (E.g. do not call a contestant that has taken an oath a liar.) By the way, I know?!? She is totally throwing the weigh-ins. Although, her drama is starting to wear me down a bit as well. Regardless, I really hope Michael meets his 6 week Century o' Weight Loss Goal. Oh and the Spiderman "Great Responsibility" theme - come on?!? We deserve better. This is not On the Wings of Love - okay?

8. Finally, check out this talented little doll of a girl!

This Quote

"There must be a beginning of any great matter, but the continuing unto the end until it be thoroughly finished yields the true glory."

- Sir Francis Drake

My husband has been playing Uncharted. I have to say that I have really enjoyed watching him play this game. Usually I do not. But this one has been a lot of fun. I feel like I am watching a movie - it is a ridiculous teenager kind of fun to hang out and watch your boyfriend (oh that's right, husband) play a game and enjoy it.

BUT this is NOT my point.

He finished the game and I was watching all the cut scenes with him (because that is how amusing I found this game - don't judge me).

Right at the beginning of the game was that quote. AND I love it.

It sums up pretty much everything I have been thinking and feeling lately.

I have had a number of interactions this past week or so where I am dumbfounded by staffers informing me that health care reform was killed with the election of Scott Brown.

A what the what?

I continue to struggle with understanding how the spin machine can even imagine a world where the election of an unknown populist candidate out of a state that has health care reform (passed under a Republican governor) at a special election speaks to our NATIONAL health care crisis and debate.

Here are some numbers:

The state has an estimated population of 6.5 million.
Last official recorded number of registered voters (2004)
- a little over 2 million.

Unofficially a bit over 4 million following the last Presidential Election.

Coakley only pulled 46% in the Democratic Primary.

Granted the Elections Division has not finalized the election, but preliminarily this is what we think we know.

The total registered turn out for this "national referendum on health care" was 54%.

Brown received an estimated 1,168,107 votes.

Coakley...

(Little Miss. I will not campaign in the cold outside and my campaign didn't coordinate or schedule events with Kennedy's widow until the national office became involved)

received 1,058,682 votes.


Does that mean that 1,168,107 votes spoke for the estimated 45 Million uninsured in this country?

Those votes are 2.6% of the estimated population of uninsured...and none of them are included in the uninsured population given their state of residence.

Similarly do 1,168,107 votes speak for 304,059,724 people of the United States?

This would be .34% - not even 1% of the population - "speaking" for our country.


I was going to rant today about how health care reform is not over till we as a people walk away from this issue. When we who claim to be the home of the brave become so riddled with fear that we allow the aristocracy of our democracy mislead us into another failed reform measure only then is this effort dead - not by a Massachusetts special election.

Today, a handful of Democrats have agreed to continue to push forward with legislation.

Today is important.

It is important to remember that the importance of this debate is at its core (despite the poorly handled communication efforts of the Democrats) about moving our uninsured population to either our Medicaid model or private insurer model (based on income).

It is simply, how do we take our significant population that receives health care in a third world delivery model to an industrialized nation delivery model?

This is about accountability and access.

I dare say - this is about human rights.

The right to health care that we insisted every industrialized European nation rebuild following WWII with an express promise and guarantee to its people that access to health care is paramount.

Today - NOT tomorrow.

Today contact your representatives and let them know that despite the deep gold lined pockets and financially motivated lobbyists barking against reform for the corporations, the people -

the people demand reform.


Write Your Representative

Write Your Senator

Write Your Governator or Governor (depending on where you live)

Write Your State Legislators

Write Your President


Here is a great resource for understanding health care reform.


And for what it is worth, every communication I have been sending out this week includes the following:

In the words of Sir Francis Drake, "There must be a beginning of any great matter, but the continuing until the end until it be thoroughly finished yields the true glory." (emphasis added)


I will also add that an old battle axe of health care reform said to me many months ago as I was pouting about the sausage of a bill and the loss of elements that I deemed important and necessary, "it is important to pass something, as a Nation, we must take the first step of passing something, then we can begin truly fixing health care."

I know. It is not what you want to hear.

Some of you probably aren't even reading this anymore.

I get it. I do.

But I will press on because to me this is our legacy, our humanity, our responsibility.


On a lighter note, thank God I have Biggest Loser to decompress with tonight.

** If you are anti-health care reform and by some miracle are still even listening to me ramble on (regardless of your position, I believe it to be mandatory reading for citizenship), please read the following articles by Dr. Atul Gawande:

The Cost Conundrum

The Cost Conundrum Redux

And more recently,

Testing, Testing



I will shut up now.

Thank you.

Goosed And Such

Crap! I have so much to do and oddly all I feel like doing is talking to you.

I find it bizarre that sometimes posting is more like having a phone call with a long lost old friend. (A phenomenon that facebook never strikes with me. There it is more "holy shit" who the farkle has found me now and OMG his wife has giant breasts.)

Wow? That makes me sound like the ultimate in shitty one-sided friendship - doesn't it?

Geez. There has got to be a better way to explain it. I just currently lack the capacity.

So I have much to do right now and NO freaking time to comment on all the blogs that are cracking me up and lighting my world right now. My stupid phone will only sometimes let me comment. It is annoying.

I just wanted to blather briefly about a few things:

1. I went outside in the rain last night to put food in the dog house for Didymous, the cat, when out of nowhere he and his gang of 4 other neighborhood cats came jumping down out of the tree at me. It was freaking hysterical - actually raining and raining cats. However, no dogs. So despite what you might hear on the nightly news, it is in fact only raining cats here in California.

2. I always wanted to start a company where you could order a slap-o-gram. I know I would be buried in battery litigation, but it would be funny. I thought about mitigating this by holding a policy that one of the costs of ordering a slap-o-gram is that you would also receive a slap at some mysterious time and place in the future - sort of a karma clause if you will. Then I thought about changing it from a slap to someone randomly throwing a shoe. Because the shoe throwing thing for some reason never. ceases. to. amuse. me. Never. Again - we have the battery issue. So, now I am thinking we should be able to order a "really?"-o-gram or "seriously?-o-gram. I mean really - how much fun would it be to send a Senate staffer right now a "really?"-o-gram about the health care reform? Really?

3. I was getting gas (a task that always irritates me for some reason) and parked somewhat on an incline. I went to open the door to my car to get back in and the wind caught the door and buried it in my head! So now I am going to meetings all week with a slightly-larger-than-quarter-size goose egg on my freaking forehead. AND it hurts! It hurts when I raise my eyebrows (which happens frequently). It hurts when I eat. It hurts when I smile. It hurts! AND it is freaking ridiculous to have a G*&@!$& Goose Egg on My Head!

4. It is entirely possible that the whole door busting my head thing is some mystical retribution for fantasizing about sending slap-o-grams.

5. I continue to be freaking exhausted and my only exercise lately has been the bare minimum operation of my body in daily life activities. I mistakenly tried to walk up 4 flights of stairs last Friday thinking "no big deal, go slow" and was a complete sweaty out of breath mess by the 2nd floor. Argh! I am ready to feel better, people, ready.

6. Just an in general, Argh, to the world, life and recent current events and challenges.

7. I must return to work now...which inevitably includes shocked looks and gasps when people see the damn goose egg for the first time.

Awesome.

Walking Freaking Pneumonia

Alternatively titled:

I Have No Energy Ever;

Too Tired To Care;

Shhhhhhhhhhhh;

Please Don't Forget to Buy More Kleenex;

Are You Sure It Isn't Mono?;

or,

Dear God, It's Me, Filoli.



So.

I am still under the weather, but not as much as before - hopefully.

Let's see. Since we last spoke I took a major header in the health department. My body did things with mucus that is unspeakable and prior to last week I would have said unfathomable. I find it amusing that this is "walking pneumonia" because I feel like walking no where. Yesterday morning I thought that perhaps this sickness would never end and fell back to sleep. When I woke up at noon. Yes that is right - I slept the entire morning. I felt surprisingly somewhat better.

I decided to pick up the bathroom and bedroom a bit. Simple things. Although soon after making the bed you would have thought these were Herculean tasks because I was ready to lay down again. Pathetic really.

Today, I have what I call energy sprints.

Right now I am waiting on one to hit me again so that I can do some work.

I wonder if there are few things worse than a "I was sick and still feel sick" post.

I know - terribly boring.


For the record, I know we only had the one episode last week of Biggest Loser (hereafter "BL") but I am already heads-over-heels in love with this season. The New Years Resolution season always, always, ALWAYS plays on my heart strings a bit more.

Plus, that Daris...oh sweet Daris, his broken-heart stilted speech pledging weight loss to make his community proud. See, even now, I get all choked up and emotional just thinking about it. I just wanted to scream thru the TV, "It is okay, Daris, you can do it, even if you get kicked off. I will relocate to Oklahoma and chase you down and whittle you into the svelte man of your dreams. You will be all Justin Timberlake with your curls and whiteness by the time this over. JT I say! JTeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Although, I was a bit "what the what, BL" when they showed up in limos (we are not the Bachelor, NBC - not Bachelor). I did not like that at all. I missed the camaraderie and "going off to camp" bliss of the group stupidly happy that they are going to the mystical ranch of their dreams where pounds just melt off of them when Jillian and Bob wave their magical wands of weight loss over them.

However, it did seem to be a bit more appropriate since they were going straight to an elimination. A pitiful conciliation prize - "I was on BL for 7 minutes and all I got was this lousy tee and a ride in a gas guzzler long black car." (Clearly this was not Green Week for NBC.)

So, if last season was "Second Chances" this season's theme must be "No Chances." Also, was I the only person that went "Hey? Did you just eliminate the only 2 black couples in this season in one freaking elimination?" My inner-city kid immediately puffed up and cried, "Why so Jim Crow, BL?" Clearly, they heard my cry because then out of the dark of night Jillian and Bob jump out from the forest of loneliness and regret to stop the limo and surprise the four with a "new challenge." Really? I know the whole point of Scripted Unscripted Reality Shows is to phone in the writing, but come on? AND, really? They will see them tomorrow? Because tomorrow they are supposed to be training those contestants that are staying in the house? Granted I do watch this on DVR and try to skip over the inevitable 4 minute replay of the last 4 minutes of the show that BL does after every commercial break - but have Jillian and Bob done so many BL seasons and in so many locations that NBC has actually replicated them?

This is possible. I mean they did save all that money with Leno's prime time experiment.

[Evil Scientist Cackle at the Announced Cancellation of Leno]





[Evil Laughing Continues]




[One More Deep and Oddly Hysterical Evil Laugh]


Truthfully, I think the biggest bummer of the immediate elimination is that I really wanted to see O'Neal chisel up, Sunshine heat up some self-esteem, Cherita is a breast cancer survivor (need I say more?) and that Victoria...so sweet that Victoria, sooooooo sweet!


I will admit to my first BL crush of the season.

Big Poppa Mike

When he said, "I could lose the weight of an entire overweight person and still be overweight." I was all a giggles and tears and giggles. He could not be more freaking adorable the entire damn show. So of course, I have spent considerable energy (which is currently limited) fretting that given how low their percentage was last week that this week could be our last week with the Notorious M.I.K.E.

He must stay, people, must stay.

He is our new Shay. He must stay!

Stay!


I admit that I find myself worshipping at the feet of the false idol which is Jillian Michaels. God help me, I love those crazy wild eyes all bulgy and yelling at you. I know I should be put off by it when Dr. Phillian was perched up, birdlike and "caw, caw, caw" on the treadmill yelling at Orange Cheryl, but it amused me to no end. Shamefully, I want more. More.

Finally, let's have "arms in the air, up to right, up to the left" for James of the Half Ton Twins dropping another 75 pounds at home post-elimination.

Heeeeeey, hoooooo, James has dropped a C-note of weight, heeeeeeeeey!

In the words of Liz Lemon, "shark farts."

I need a life.

Belated

Ages ago, back when the technology pictured below was employed I was graciously awarded by Dandies the following:
I had plan. Big plans.

But I got sick. Really sick. Swine flu sick the week before Christmas which carried through the holidays. I tried to come back the world of the living, then sick again. Thought I made a 100% recovery. I felt great all weekend. Actually, I felt amazing on Sunday. So amazing I kept telling I felt like I was "living the dream." I have no idea what the hell I meant by that other than it was a good day. Then suddenly late in the evening my throat felt funny. I took a bath and then BAM sick sick sick sick again. Sunday night was horrible. No sleep. Tossing and turning. Odd dreams of living inside a tree (I am fairly certain these are merely Avatar aftershocks and not some new deep subconscious break that I need to think about) then coughing and coughing and coughing.

So Monday - sick.

Today after coughing up disgusting Rorschach images out of some mystery part of my body, I dragged myself to the office. Now I am sitting at the office sick, unproductive, tired and in general - blah.

Not so creative. Not so productive.

So I am wondering if maybe I am kreativ instead.

Seriously? Not to be an ass (although I guess I am) but why is this misspelled?

I had this idea of doing the 7 things tying into the chakras - but I have no energy (ha! - get it, oh that snuck up on me) to finish this project.

7 things seems like a lot to me right now.

But maybe if I do this it will pull me out of my "I feel sick" whine.

Crap. Even blogging feels like an endurance event to me right now.

Regardless, here we go:

1. I think health care is very important and understanding and improving our delivery models are paramount for long term success as a society.

2. My favorite quote from testimony over the past year regarding the health care debate is from Wendell Potter:

"But I have also expressed concern that if Congress goes along with the so-called "solutions" the insurance industry says it is bringing to the table and acquiesces to the demands it is making of lawmakers, and if it fails to create a public insurance option to compete with private insurers, the bill it sends to the President might as well be called the Insurance Industry Profit Protection and Enhancement Act."

3) We were presented information about twin medically fragile infant boys that are currently in the foster system. We were open to the placement. The judge ended up giving the parents another 3 months to work towards reunification - and we are beyond thrilled that both the boys and the parents were given this opportunity and truly hope that it works out for their family. I think the most important lesson that Alpha and I learned was that we were more open to special needs children then we realized.

4) In my fantasy life of being a mother some day, I always had this image/goal/pipe dream that when we had kids I would practice yoga with them every morning. I wanted to provide that kind of foundation for them. Funny thing - I don't do that now. I don't do that for myself. I made fun of my friend that told me she would start buying organic and healthy foods when she had kids, but when it was just her "why bother." I snapped at this logic, then started laughing at my own silliness. If something is important later, it should be important now. I am not yet practicing with any consistency in the morning, BUT I am practicing yoga daily. Honestly, I am not a morning person so this transition to a morning practice is going to be a big challenge for me - if it ever happens at all. It may turn out to not actually be that important to me at all.

5) A couple of months ago, Alpha picked me up after a yoga and I told him how after practice sometimes I feel very connected to a maternal sense of myself and how odd that is for me. We talked about how this may be because of my whole ridiculous fantasy of a daily practice with children or perhaps it was finding a new place in myself where a concept of being somewhat less-than-self-without-kids no longer exists.

Later while reading, I was slapped around a bit intellectually: a) I was reading the story of Krishna and his mother where he continually had to cast the illusion of relationship and concept of "mother" on her when she glimpsed infinity and unity and it would overwhelm her and she would pass out; and b) in a way, how we live our life, our choices, our decisions give birth to who and what we are and and will be next - in that way, I am a mother to myself, but often a negligent mother and I need to tend to ensuring that what comes next is better by being better bit by bit here and today.

6) Wow. I still do not feel well. I genuinely hope that I feel better soon. After all the new season of Biggest Loser starts tonight and I would like to feel well when I watch it.

7) Decisions are hard for me. I have no idea what my life is supposed to look like or be like. All I know is that with a regular yoga practice I am starting to stop asking for map and be the path that I need to figure out what is the right course of action for me. I really hope that soon things will become clearer to me and I can move forward in the direction of a more fuller self.

As for tagging, I do not have the energy right now. Plus, I am late to this train.

As such, I am changing it into something that I saw on another blog.


Happy for a New Year

The Rules:

"List 10 things that made you happy today and tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you must link back to my blog...the last part, only if you want to...blah, blah, blah, rules, rules, rules, rules meant to be broken, rules..."

Ten things that MADE ME HAPPY TODAY:

Husband made amazing beet, spinach and pear juice for me this morning;
Kale;
Avocado;
Being out of bed;
I didn't have to stop for gas;
Husband packed lunch so one less task and errand for the day;
Friend's baby is almost due;
A post about a pot brownie that continues to make me giggle;
Despite being locked out by Pandora last month for "excessive use" I am back in this month;
I can go home now.

*and Biggest Loser starts tonight...


As for tagging 10 blogs that make me happy, I am too tired. So, if you are reading this (regardless of whether or not you comment), you may consider yourself awarded because frankly if you read this, you are definitely on my list of happy.

Oy! I am heading home and back to pajamas, television and soup.

Biggest Loser Confessions

Biggest Loser Finale Night!

From about 7pm on I was giddy with anticipation for some damn reason over the big reveals. (Probably because I had some fantasy that Shay was going to show up weighing in at about 125.)

The montage at the beginning where they were showing where all of the contestants started from started to get me all choked up. I have no idea why and it was at that point that my husband sighed and just went to the other room.

So I was starting to get frustrated a bit at the beginning because the contestants weren’t as “skinny” as previous seasons and then I b-slapped myself and remembered that they all started out at crazy high insane weights and then became more positive. (Although everyone truly did look great and no one painfully or obviously backslid so that is a marked improvement from other seasons.)

When Amanda and Liz came out – I was bummed AGAIN! They looked amazing – but I kept thinking “ladies! The boys are going to annihilate you!”

OMG! Amanda and the “America’s choice” speech – we should have made that a drinking game in advance. (Granted it would have to be a low calorie beer.)

Blah, blah, blah, contestants returning…crazy big numbers and then Skeletor (I mean Tracy) comes out – and she is STILL freaky freaky girl. At least her eyes seemed less popping out and buggy with her face that much skinnier.

And then cute little Daniel whose face is starting to emerge but clearly is still working his body…and where is that adorable girlfriend Rebecca, why didn’t she come to the finale…she looked so good on Jay Leno…and who is that blonde that keeps fondling Daniel’s neck every time the camera is on him…

WHAT?!? Rebecca is the blonde! So Rebecca went from poor little overweight girl, to losing weight girl, to I could be Mariska-Hagarity’s-little-sister girl, to Mariska-Hagarity’s-little-sister’s-evil-arm-pumping-and-excessively-fondling twin! Does this mean the Unholy Power of Pink Team continues? Pink Team started with Ali being about realistic transformations to healthy manageable weights. Now the power of Pink means a “touch o’ the crazy” and freakishly thin arms! (God help me, I want freakishly thin arms too…)

I thought “holy crap – Tracy with all of her game play and odd “I won’t tell you my weight” craziness is going to freaking take home the prize!” Just when I reconciled myself to the possibility of Skeletor taking the cash – that blonde girl started jumping up and down on the scale and kept affirming herself with how amazing she is…so I guess the mystery Pink contestant who is cheating on Rebecca with Daniel won the $100k.

The proposal – awwwwwww! (Like we didn’t think we were going to get a proposal tonight – we knew one of the “mystery couples” was going to end up on a knee – really NBC why so much foreshadowing.)

Shay is invited to the May finale – awwwwwww! Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you, NBC. Subway is giving her $1,000 per pound loss by the finale – WHAT the WHAT!?!? Perhaps this show is starting to back fire on inspiration because somewhere after this announcement I plodded into the kitchen for chips and salsa to graze on. This more than likely padded an extra pound on me that I will later have to lose free of charge without any sponsorship later.

Rudy comes out – okay he looks good. He starts talking about his 70 hour work week I drift off and remember that he always kind of bugged me during the season (why? Why pick on Shay? Oh wait – now she is going to get $1,000 per pound – okay, Rudy, you just kind of bug me…and how in the world does he have that 100 lb smoking hot wife?) . Whatever? Rudy gets on the scale. I might add the Most Annoying Scale of all Seasons – what was up with that beeping scale sound they used last night? It was PAINFUL. The dogs and I were quite annoyed. So Rudy lost 234 pounds! FREAKING 234 pounds!!!!! This is more than my husband. I was all excited and then he went into one of his annoying monologues and I quickly crossed myself and hoped for Danny!

Because DANNY – OMG, DANNY! When he came out with his new self! My jaw dropped – it was the Biggest Loser moment of the night that I had been waiting on! My Biggest Loser dreams came true – from the flesh encased abyss emerged the return of the Nice-Guy-High-School-Rock-Star! Really! He looked amazing! It was at this point that I started hoping that NBC would come to its senses finally can the damn Leno show and just let Danny come out and talk to us with his dreamy blue eyes…his eyes whispered “put down the chips and salsa, you don’t need it” and I obediently followed the master’s command.

Danny takes it by one freaking pound and once again I feel comforted that there is some order in the universe that happy endings really do exist and maybe it is possible for a crowded room to break out into a spontaneous song and dance number.

Morning After Biggest Loser Finale

I jump on the scale all inspired-like, imagine that ear-splitting beeping, look at the number and say “F%&! – I really need to hit the gym.” But first, I will order one of those delicious Christmas 9,000 calories Egg Nog Lattes on my way to work…mmmmmm, good latte, good…

Hokusai Says

Geez! I keep doing this but I just wanted to share this with you.

A dear friend sent this to me yesterday and I just wanted to share it with you as well.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you…


Look, Feel, let life take you
By the hand.
Let life live through you.

- Ken Keyes

To Air

I was thinking about talking about something a bit different today.

With it being World AIDS Day and all...

But instead...I found this quite by accident and I just had to share!





Project Air




For me and in hopes of just a little bit of sanity today, I say:


To Forrest: I still laugh at your jokes even today. Honestly, I was sitting at a light the other day crying from some wise ass crack you made ages ago. How is that for longevity?

To Larry: No, I still don't dress well...and no - no - not a bit do I miss you bitching at me about this. But for the love of all things holy there is not a special event that I don't think "help, Lar, help!" (You know women are just no good at this dressing up thing [rolling eyes].)

To B: [sigh] You would not believe there is a World AIDS Day and how different and same the world is today and oh, how I miss talking to you...and yes, I am still very much all about a good rant. Awareness is frankly a trend now (seriously!) AND Rick Warren was on Meet the Press Sunday talking about caring for AIDS patients and the role of the church in combating this disease! F' me - right?



To Chay: Every day I wonder if my life is something you would be proud of. Every single day. There has not been a day that you have not sailed across my mind and my consciousness. I can't go through a laundry list of things I miss because something would invariably be missed and then I would feel like an ass. I desperately wish I could talk to you - about, you know, everything. (For instance, Mom and Dad just spent a week in Cabo for Thanksgiving with unlimited access to a number of liquid spirits. Dad sent me an email listing drinks he had sampled and wanted recommendations for other things he should try. I know! I KNOW! How the fuck are you not here for this?!?) Mostly, I just selfishly wish you would hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay and point my shoulders in the right direction...or at least give me a good shake. Also, I wish you were here so I could whisper in your ear "I hate these bullshit awareness days - how fucking useless" and you would laugh and poke fun of my red sweater and red ribbon accouterments. But right now I am going to head over and pick up Mom in about 20 minutes for lunch. I really miss you and a lot of the times I am still really pissed. I try to honor you with my life. I really do. I really pray that somehow your light shines through me so others can see you too. Crap. You were always better and kinder and more sensitive and gentle and loving then me...even when you were running away (jerk!). This life, Chay, is so odd and the vibrations of you on who I am are profound. I still fight for you. But mostly, I still need you! ("Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.")




To the Holy Mysteries of the Universe that is unknown and unfathomable, please channel this energy and focus of today in some positive (pun not intended) and transformative way - blaze a path out of this madness and please transform this misery to something beautiful and profound (I really don't even care if Bono is the guy spearheading this anymore or if it means those twits at the Gap continue to sell fucking red t-shirts and there is a fucking marketing angle to awareness) because I just want things different and I want my dreams and the world to be free from this pain.


"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

- Alice in Wonderland

Thanksgivingasana

Right now.

Right now - at this very moment

(Thanks to internets and technology and the ability to schedule posts.)

I am face down starting a vinyasa practice that will be followed with an Earth Peace meditation.

More than anything, I just wanted to let you know that you are with me today.

All day.

If you have the time, enjoy.



With every step you take today,

think

"Peace is Every Step"

every time your foot hits the ground silently breathe,

"Thank You."

This is my Thanksgiving for you.

My thanks for you today.

It is funny to me how this holiday has a unique way of boiling you down to a moment-by-moment existence. Maybe it is the visiting family, or the cooking, or the laughing and sharing - but is a unique opportunity of celebration to have a day that in each moment we are celebrating all moments (past, present and future).


I love Thanksgivingasana.


"Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle."

- Thich Nhat Hanh

Namaste.

Not So Shocking

Well.

In case you have been living in a hole this week, a report was issued Monday that included a preliminary recommendation against "against routine screening mammography in women aged 40 to 49 years. The decision to start regular, biennial screening mammography before the age of 50 years should be an individual one and take into account patient context, including the patient's values regarding specific benefits and harms."

and not shockingly this is now happening.

Despite the fact that co-author of the study has stated that she feels the findings have been "misinterpreted."

Perhaps the only thing "shocking" is that it took 4 days for this report to become anti-reform fodder.

Also, can we now all slowly swing our heads side-to-side in sadness that they would issue this report the month following the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (that would be October for those of you again living in said hole - or were blissfully unaware of the fact that pink was being shoved in your sight more than usual for 31 days) and during an intense and prolonged debate over health care delivery models in the United States?

Now we have numbers as well. Lots of numbers. Numbers about cost of reform, rising premiums, uninsured, underinsured, unemployed, percentage of increases to taxes, mortality, public health indexes...numbers.

But - I ask you - who said this?


"While Americans today enjoy the finest health care and medical technology in our history, the cost of that care is constantly increasing. Our present system of health care insurance does not meet the costs of providing adequate care. It must be improved. Twenty-five million Americans have no health care insurance at all, and millions of others have inadequate protection.

Preventive services, mental health care, outpatient services, and medication are often excluded from coverage. Many other essential services are not adequately covered.

And finally, to further burden our already inadequate health insurance system, wage-price controls have expired, and there is no brake on further increases in health costs. The failure of the Congress to adopt my legislative request to continue authority for mandatory cost controls for the health industry has left the country unprotected against the very real possibility of an unbridled increase in those costs.

We must have legislation to insure that every American has financial access to high quality health care."

Do you remember this debate? This discussion...

Here is another hint.

This President was attempting to reconcile legislation that would provide for universal coverage, enable voluntary employer participation and would have established a separate program for working poor and unemployed.

Do you know who it was now?

Here. Last hint.

"Nineteen seventy-four can and should be the year in which we move decisively to protect every American against the rising and often prohibitive costs of health care.

Nineteen seventy-four can and should be the year in which we create new incentives to make the health care system of the United States even better and more efficient than it is.

And 1974 can and should be the year in which firm, fair steps are taken to hold down the rate of inflation that has continually driven the cost of medical care higher and higher during the past 20 years."

Now you know! Right?





It was Nixon of course!


Before you go running open-armed into the current GOP legislative proposal for health care reform, I would like to point out that 15 days ago they just received a startling reality check from the CBO. In other words, "the only thing worse than releasing no health-reform plan, is releasing a bad one."





I close with a quote that quite possible best describes the importance of this discussion right now. A sentiment that I am starting to better understand more and more every day.


"Neither course of action, or inaction, is acceptable. What we must have is a creative relationship between government and our private health care system which provides the best possible care for all at a price that all can afford."

- Nixon

Shocking;

or is it really

Not So Shocking.

Get involved.

Contact your representatives.

Be the Change.

(See my liberal sensitivities couldn't close with a Nixon quote - my apologies.)

Be Change

Be Change


"Be the change you want to see in the world."

- Gandhi

Chakra'ly Incorrect

Well.

Well, well...well.

I don't know if this is a woman thing, or a crazy person thing or a me thing...but apparently I have inexplicably "lost it" again.

(Whatever the hell "it" is.)

I am hoping that maybe - just maybe - if I kind of outline it all right here then I will feel slightly less mad and start trending towards general feelings of peace and happiness towards myself again.

Work has been insane, bizarre, stressful, trying, infuriating, disgusting, challenging, and stressful...did I mention stressful?

Last Tuesday all of the crap of work somehow materialized into this intense and piercing pain in my left neck and shoulder. I tried to calm down and work it out...and then Wednesday morning my left side felt fine - but the pain shifted to my right side with a vengeance. Wednesday and Thursday were miserable with pain. Friday it was still bothering me...

Friday I had a work meeting thing that ended up with actually learning about 2 other job opportunities that are going to be posted in about 7 or 8 months and they wanted to know my interest. I found this interesting - and unexpected. Since I wasn't looking at this as a possible job for the future kind of meeting, I think I was a little off balance and silly with my responses. Plus, one of the positions would be doing something that I swore I would never do (plus it would be highly political and stressful - very stressful - very powerful people would be pissed off with me on a fairly regular basis) and the other is in an area that I always found fascinating but wonder if I would be the best candidate (it seems like there are others with way more technical training that would be a better fit than me - and like an idiot I actually communicated this...something like "I would love that, but my learning curve would be pretty steep...").

However, this could be very cool. This would mean moving closer to the coast. Closer to the area that I keep wanting to live...I think. I don't know. It was all just very unexpected.

Plus, it was one of those meetings where people seem to find you "impressive" which always unnerves me afterwards because I feel fundamentally unimpressive at my core so I feel odd when I leave those kind of moments. Again - off balance...just off balance...

By Friday night I wasn't able to sleep...the pain in my shoulder and neck was throbbing and I was very confused about life and opportunities or lack of opportunities and new choices and [sigh] life.

Saturday morning - woke up, out of town, and the studio where I wanted to go for yoga this weekend was closed for teacher training. Boo. As a result, I ended up at the local community center for yoga. God love the local community center yoga classes - they are always such a mixed bag!

This Saturday the instructor decided to lead a flow focusing on relieving stress and tension in the upper back and shoulders. Thank you, Universe! I say, "namaste" to the fabric of time and space for that little intervention.

The closing meditation was amazing. She borrowed a visualisation from An Imaginary Life that still when I think back to those moments touch me profoundly.

I felt better.

Then as the day goes forward my neck and shoulder just start to freeze up again. Bad.

By 7 that evening, I made an emergency appointment at the spa down the street with the massage therapist because the pain is just too much.

The good news: the tension and pain in my shoulder and neck was relieved.

The bad news: I had this horrible overwhelming awareness that my fundamental issue is this deep aching pain of a sense that I/my body/my mind betrayed me - and I am real pissed off about that - real pissy indeed!

Somewhere during the night while I slept the initial emotional high of "yeah! my neck is not killing me" became replaced with deep dark anger...and I am guessing that because turning really ugly anger on yourself triggers some type of emotional stop-gap measure that results in said anger going outwards instead of inwards.

So Sunday - I was bitchy. But trying or maybe "trying" (depending on who you ask) to not be anger towards the very people I hold the closest to me, but it was just fucking sitting there...and I was snap, snap, snappy, cranky girl.

Awesome.

I would try to pull out of it...then nose dive right back into it.

Ultimately, alienating my husband who was tired of me being mean...which just made the whole angry doom spiral even worse because then I felt isolated and alone and alone and alone and alone in more and more anger.

I wish I could say that I slept off the anger. But - nope. Woke up with it.

Still pissed off and broken hearted.

This just sucks.

I should not be upset. I should be happy. I should be positive. I should be motivated.

Yet, I feel like the fattest man in the entire world has sat on my chest, deflated all possible air out of my lungs and rudely farted in my face.

See - how dramatic.

This sucks.

Because it is truly nothing - and it feels like everything...

and I am trying to figure out how to be a better person at a time when all I really want to do is dive into a deep cave and never speak to another living soul again...

because that would be substantially less embarrassing than being me.

See - unimpressive.

So this is life...or at least my life.

I drag my ass into a shower and come into work to deal with the trials and tribulations of the work day.

I skate on the surface of every moment and interaction just thinking "oh god, I just want to go back to freaking bed!"

See - unimpressive.

I know that you are not supposed to talk about these things. That it is alienating to be the nut job blogger and I should be more careful about it...

but, fuck, fuck, fuck.

So, in my desperation I plan on doing the only thing that might possibly pull me the hell out of this...although I must confess I am feeling quite fundamentally broken right now. (Could I be more annoying? - for the love!)

N.V. Raghuram says,

"Everyone comes to yoga because of some kind of suffering."

So I will take my self-inflicted suffering self to yoga in about 30 minutes - I will be face down on a mat and alone with myself again...fuck...[sigh].

When I went in for my massage, the guy asked me what I thought was the problem, and I looked at him all stiff-necked and glassy-eyed and whispered,

"you might think I am crazy or silly, but I think it is my heart chakra..."

Little did I know that this guy was also a Reiki practitioner.

So he did a combination of Reiki and massage to fix my shoulder...and now my stomach is all a flip-flop.

All a flip-flop.

Damn you, belly!



Off I go to the Monday evening beginner yoga class tonight

and I need to change.

(Literally and Metaphorically)



Maybe this will be the path out of this today...

but what if this just continues because there is something here that I am not dealing with appropriately and I never figure it out and I am just a queen bitch on Sundays because I am stressed and pissy; and I never resolve this inner anger thing and end up hurting all the people I want to lift up!

What if I just always end up being this asshole who is simply aware of being an asshole!

That is not much of an enlightenment.


Okay, so off I go to the yoga class...

and in my mind I am thinking about Reiki teachings and wondering if the world is big and expansive enough to fix all this and fix me:


The secret method of inviting good fortune.
The marvelous medicine for all sickness

Just for today:
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others and to yourself.

Every morning and every night, sit in the Gassho position [hands held palm-to-palm] and speak these words out loud in your heart.

For the evolution of body and soul, Usui Reiki Ryoho"

— Mikao Usui


[long deep sigh - again]

Ahem - BL Fans - Shay Update

Let The Drummer Kick

Relations

(Apollo had to break 'em)

Creation

(It's a gift, a blessing)

Incarceration

(What keeps you down)

Determination

(What gets you out)

Equation

(When they said you could make it)

Humiliation

(What you feel when they say it)

Reincarnation

(Say N-A-V)

Situation

(Why we've got to sing)

Elation

(So many in need)

Identification

(Gives you the right to shoot)

Retaliation

(What would it do)

Education

(Gives you the right to do)

Inspiration

(What pulls you through)

No substitution

(No substitute)

Non-inclusion

(Just got to bust through)

Drug infusion

(For the chosen few)

Mass confusion

(When they say that they died for you)

Delusion

(Say that the dreams don't come true)

Solution

(It can take a hold of you)

Conclusion

Inspiration

(Is what pulls you through)