Are you there, blog, it's me Filoli

So.

Things have been busy - too busy -
too busy...

too busy, indeed,

again, I say, so;

let's see,

since we last spoke

I have changed jobs twice
and we have moved once

things are different
very different
and for the most part in wonderful ways:

it is still just the 2 of us,
or 4 of us if you count the blessed, four-legged ones;

so

in some ways
things are very much the same;

this brings me to the unlikely scenario
that brings me to this odd feeling that it is

indeed

time to chat a bit

again, I say, so,

so

I just thought it would be best to let you know

since you were so wonderful last time

and I think you deserve to know

that unfortunately

the most amazing, gracious, and wonderful Eva Luna

is no longer in remission

and we are

she is

unfortunately

forced to fight cancer

once again

so what happened?

here is the situation:

(highlights if you will)

so

the Monday after a Saturday service to celebrate

our beloved uncle's wonderful life

lost to cancer

Eva Luna had one of her standing mammograms

this is simply part of the follow-up

unfortunately,

very unfortunately,

they identified a mass or swollen lymph node that concerned them

this resulted in a fine needle biopsy scheduled for Friday

this should not be a big deal

we have had a couple of times since the first round where things are identified and they biopsy and we all eventually exhale deeply when we hear that this was merely an exercise of extreme caution and "all is well, all is well."

but

unfortunately

this time

the biopsy identified 2 other suspicious masses for additional review

the results

adenocarcinoma

again

so

back to surgery to remove the masses (or lymph nodes)

and additional exploration and removal, as indicated

result:

21 lymph nodes removed

1 mass (may or may not be an overtaken lymph node)

Stage 4(ish - given mystery mass that may or may not be a lymph node) Cancer

good news:

we still have a curative option

and will be pursuing it

bad news:

there is no way to scream fuck loud enough to change this reality

the real bad news:

poor, sweet, amazing and teary-eyed Eva Luna must do chemo again

and that fucking sucks

really fucking sucks

so

fuck

this time

things are more advanced

more problematic

we didn't manage to clear even 3 years

Please see the aforementioned, fuck.

Fuck.

substantially more activity in the lymph nodes

(including thoracic node activity)

and, well... fuck

chemo, radiation oncology, hysterectomy and 10 more years of hopefully this time successful hormone therapy

yippee

(sarcasm for fuck)

also

the new rules:

no alcohol

no sugar

no white breads and such

yippee

in response

I have eaten like crap

absolute crap

and alcohol

well... let's just say that Corona has earned a byline for today as well

when does all of this brave new exciting action start

March 22

another MRI

chemo-teach

a port

and the first of 6 cycles of chemo

yip-fucking-ee

so

here is the deal

I am thinking that I need to do the following:

figure out how to do a pre-treatment healthy ass eating dinner party

to celebrate life and the amazing blessing of Eva Luna

in addition to

a bit of a pep rally of sort

that Ms. Eva Luna can indeed kick this bullshit cancer's ass

so

I need to

(a) quit drinking so damn much

(b) lose an effing 10-13 lbs

(c) exercise

(d) exercise

(e) seriously, exercise -preferably yoga

(f) get a damn mammogram for myself - for good measure

(g) get back to focus at work

(h) focus, focus, and focus (see a-g)

so

that is what is going on

my apologies for radio silence

I just didn't really know what to say before because it all seemed so damn much the same

still just us

still just carrying on

still just trying to be

now

still just trying to be

with one more hurdle

so

we can do this

I think

Eva Luna can do this

will do this

we will do this

and

all will be well

all will be well

all will be well

well indeed.